Yesterday we did something we weren't sure was really going to work. Yesterday Aurora stayed the night at her Nana's house.
I had an event in the evening and then I decided I just needed a day to sleep in. I came home early to spend a little time with her and to get all of her things packed (including a schedule I typed up for feedings and all sorts of "if"s). I wasn't too worried, but that doesn't mean it isn't a bit odd to ship your five month old daughter away. It took me quite some time to close the car door so that mom could actually leave with her.
The event at the President's house went well. Jill and I went out for a drink afterwards (actually I had two since I didn't have a baby to rush home too). I came home took a shower and called mom to make sure everything was going as well as I assumed.
A. was perfectly happy, of course. She only gets fussy with us. We're boring.
So I stayed for a bit and read.. then watch some video of Aurora on my phone (because I missed her) and went to bed.
I woke up at around 7, went back to sleep, woke up around 8, fell back asleep and finally we got up around 9:30 (so my schedule wasn't that much different, but alot easier without a talking baby in my ear).
We had a nice leisurely breakfast and went to see a movie (x-men III... very sad). It was nice. Not that it isn't usually nice, or easy. But having less to worry about was a much needed break.
Mom keeps gushing about how perfect A. was and how happy and smart she is. She is. I can't complain (though I must admit it's a little hard to think she didn't seem to miss us.. in fact, she didn't even seem particullarly overjoyed to see us). But I know she's happy to be home because she's slept almost non-stop.
It's comforting to know that she sleeps better when she's at home.
And now I'm wondering how often is too often to ship her off somewhere? maybe once a month, two times a month, once a week? I'd have so much free time I wouldn't know what to do!
But it will be delightful this evening to hear her breathing while I'm trying to fall asleep.
27.5.06
23.5.06
22.5.06
5 Months Old
Your fifth month birthday was this Saturday. And, as you must know by now, I idolize Heather , so we will take another page from her fabulous mommy book and begin our birthday letters to you.
I started writing to you while I was still pregnant. The biggest thing I want from mommyhood is to be honest with you. This means what I have to say may not always pretty or happy, but I hope you won't grow up to think I'm not the woman you imagined at all.
So my little goddess, we each prepared a little something special for your fifth month affirmation of life. You began the week by realizing you could roll onto your stomach from your back. And, happy day, you allowed me the first rather than your father, who spends far more awake time with you while I'm working during the day.
Saturday I needed to come to work, but daddy made the wonderful decision to pack you up and walk over to spend the morning with me at the college.
Later that evening I decided we'd let you know what a big girl you are becoming by making you your first veggie dish. You love your cereal. I can't walk into the room holding a bowl and a spoon without you going into fits of joy, whether they are meant for you or not. Since daddy and I don't want to pump you full of nastiness we've decided to make our own baby food. I pureed some carrots for you. I was so excited. I was certain you would love this new experience. We waited until daddy took his lunch break so he could see what a great mom I am and what a big girl you are.
As usual, as the spoon headed toward your mouth you opened it with glee. At least until the orange mush hit your lips. You refused to look at me as your taste buds were offended by this crap dinner. You looked immediately at your father, lips pursed as if I'd given you a lemon and your little eyebrow raised as if to imply, "You actually eat what this woman cooks for you?" In a split second the carrots were sliding down your chin, as well as all the still flavored saliva you could manage to push out. You looked a bit like a fish, your lips opening and closing hoping the taste would soon go away.
So much for that idea.
The next day you decided to prove you were all grown up in a better way than eating mushed carrots. You discovered if you rolled onto your tummy you could also roll onto your back and you delighted your father and I, and Auntie Brandy and Uncle Kevin, for quite some time doing these baby acrobatics. Unfortunately, after you took a nap you forgot how to roll onto your back again and were greatly distressed by this lose of memory. Never fear, dear, I'm sure it will all come back in no time.
Last night before I went to bed I fed you your lat night snack. You eat while almost sleep, and I'm pretty sure your daddy envies you for this amazing super power. I looked down and kissed your warm and soft forehead and suddenly your hands caught my eyes. I had trimmed your nails earlier in the evening, but somehow I had missed the fact they're not baby hands any more. Your little china doll porcelain fingers have become beautifully chubby kid's hands. They suddenly seemed so large. And I cried a little because they would only keep growing and someday I'll hold that hand as we walk down the street, I'll grasp those fingers as you leave for your first day of school and later some cute boy you've been watching will hold that hand on your first date.
love, mom
I started writing to you while I was still pregnant. The biggest thing I want from mommyhood is to be honest with you. This means what I have to say may not always pretty or happy, but I hope you won't grow up to think I'm not the woman you imagined at all.
So my little goddess, we each prepared a little something special for your fifth month affirmation of life. You began the week by realizing you could roll onto your stomach from your back. And, happy day, you allowed me the first rather than your father, who spends far more awake time with you while I'm working during the day.
Saturday I needed to come to work, but daddy made the wonderful decision to pack you up and walk over to spend the morning with me at the college.
Later that evening I decided we'd let you know what a big girl you are becoming by making you your first veggie dish. You love your cereal. I can't walk into the room holding a bowl and a spoon without you going into fits of joy, whether they are meant for you or not. Since daddy and I don't want to pump you full of nastiness we've decided to make our own baby food. I pureed some carrots for you. I was so excited. I was certain you would love this new experience. We waited until daddy took his lunch break so he could see what a great mom I am and what a big girl you are.
As usual, as the spoon headed toward your mouth you opened it with glee. At least until the orange mush hit your lips. You refused to look at me as your taste buds were offended by this crap dinner. You looked immediately at your father, lips pursed as if I'd given you a lemon and your little eyebrow raised as if to imply, "You actually eat what this woman cooks for you?" In a split second the carrots were sliding down your chin, as well as all the still flavored saliva you could manage to push out. You looked a bit like a fish, your lips opening and closing hoping the taste would soon go away.
So much for that idea.
The next day you decided to prove you were all grown up in a better way than eating mushed carrots. You discovered if you rolled onto your tummy you could also roll onto your back and you delighted your father and I, and Auntie Brandy and Uncle Kevin, for quite some time doing these baby acrobatics. Unfortunately, after you took a nap you forgot how to roll onto your back again and were greatly distressed by this lose of memory. Never fear, dear, I'm sure it will all come back in no time.
Last night before I went to bed I fed you your lat night snack. You eat while almost sleep, and I'm pretty sure your daddy envies you for this amazing super power. I looked down and kissed your warm and soft forehead and suddenly your hands caught my eyes. I had trimmed your nails earlier in the evening, but somehow I had missed the fact they're not baby hands any more. Your little china doll porcelain fingers have become beautifully chubby kid's hands. They suddenly seemed so large. And I cried a little because they would only keep growing and someday I'll hold that hand as we walk down the street, I'll grasp those fingers as you leave for your first day of school and later some cute boy you've been watching will hold that hand on your first date.
love, mom
18.5.06
Pass the emotion, please.
Here it comes. That almost imperceptible raise of emotions. I never used to pay too much attention before becoming a mommy. But now.. well, now these emotions are glaringly obvious.
Eddie and I decided we needed a little stress relief. We took Aurora to mom's and went to the dollar theatre. On the way out to the car afterwards, the warm evening air washed over me and somehow the smell of fields had made its way over the asphalt and construction and reached me with seductive caresses on the slight breeze. I stopped and wrapped my arms around Eddie and the words that came out of my mouth were a shock, even to me, "Just give me five more minutes where I can pretend I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to take care of a baby."
I wanted to sit on the curb and let the tears fall because in my exhaustion it seemed such hard work to hold them back. But I didn't. It was a horrible thought.
This morning I pulled Aurora into bed with me and snuggled with her. She immediately fell asleep in my arms and I followed her lead. When we awoke about an hour later, and her usual morning smiles melted my heart and brought laughter to my lips, I wondered what could make me think I would ever want to go back to how it was before.
But sometimes I do.
Eddie and I decided we needed a little stress relief. We took Aurora to mom's and went to the dollar theatre. On the way out to the car afterwards, the warm evening air washed over me and somehow the smell of fields had made its way over the asphalt and construction and reached me with seductive caresses on the slight breeze. I stopped and wrapped my arms around Eddie and the words that came out of my mouth were a shock, even to me, "Just give me five more minutes where I can pretend I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to take care of a baby."
I wanted to sit on the curb and let the tears fall because in my exhaustion it seemed such hard work to hold them back. But I didn't. It was a horrible thought.
This morning I pulled Aurora into bed with me and snuggled with her. She immediately fell asleep in my arms and I followed her lead. When we awoke about an hour later, and her usual morning smiles melted my heart and brought laughter to my lips, I wondered what could make me think I would ever want to go back to how it was before.
But sometimes I do.
16.5.06
oh, things have been much as my masthead suggests. I can't even write, as much as my graphomania demands it. And I've finally manage to peg why.
I was explaining to chels why I can't get a letter off to her. I re-read what I write, even if it's one minute later and it suddenly sounds dishonest. She said, don't read it. I can't help it. That's the whole point of writing. for me. not really for any one else. but in my response I finally pegged what's been plaguing me:
"yes, but then you'll get this mess of emotion that makes no sense to me.. although I guess that's who I am right now. This weird dichotomy of people all fighting to be the main character. Working adult, slacker child, attentive mommy, selfish woman, tired wife, loving partner..
it's all so confusing."
I was explaining to chels why I can't get a letter off to her. I re-read what I write, even if it's one minute later and it suddenly sounds dishonest. She said, don't read it. I can't help it. That's the whole point of writing. for me. not really for any one else. but in my response I finally pegged what's been plaguing me:
"yes, but then you'll get this mess of emotion that makes no sense to me.. although I guess that's who I am right now. This weird dichotomy of people all fighting to be the main character. Working adult, slacker child, attentive mommy, selfish woman, tired wife, loving partner..
it's all so confusing."
9.5.06
World's Worst Dinner
Last night I managed to create the most unsalvagable dinner. Everything sounded good. Aurora and I were having a great time dancing in the kitchen (well, I danced while she bounced happily in her bouncy chair watching me and eating her soft book with the butterfly in it). I had beans going, rice going and this yummy little veggie medley of small chopped bits of broccoli, carrots and celery. It looked lovely. I was actually excited to eat it.
As it finished I put a service of rice, veggies and then plenty of beans into a bowl and took a bite.
I almost gagged. I had managed to produce the most bland and unappetizing meal I've ever made. No seasoning was going to help. The only thing that would have helped was some deep fried fat. That wasn't going to happen.
I immediately called Eddie's cell phone. He wasn't going to be able to eat that that thing.. and if he had he would never again be able to eat anything I ever cooked (he's just that sensitive about food). We have no money. Oh, alright. We had $10 in our account. Thank God. I granted him permission.... No, truth be told I issued a command that he head some where to buy himself dinner. He was under no circumstances to try my culinary failure.
I gagged down about 10 small bites before my stomach decided it wasn't so hungry after all. In fact, I seemed so full if I ate another bite I was going to explode. My tummy's not so stupid.
I've saved the rice and the beans. They'll be fine with OTHER meals; together, however, they combined into something only edible in cheap senior citizen living.
I'm almost scared to try cooking again.
As it finished I put a service of rice, veggies and then plenty of beans into a bowl and took a bite.
I almost gagged. I had managed to produce the most bland and unappetizing meal I've ever made. No seasoning was going to help. The only thing that would have helped was some deep fried fat. That wasn't going to happen.
I immediately called Eddie's cell phone. He wasn't going to be able to eat that that thing.. and if he had he would never again be able to eat anything I ever cooked (he's just that sensitive about food). We have no money. Oh, alright. We had $10 in our account. Thank God. I granted him permission.... No, truth be told I issued a command that he head some where to buy himself dinner. He was under no circumstances to try my culinary failure.
I gagged down about 10 small bites before my stomach decided it wasn't so hungry after all. In fact, I seemed so full if I ate another bite I was going to explode. My tummy's not so stupid.
I've saved the rice and the beans. They'll be fine with OTHER meals; together, however, they combined into something only edible in cheap senior citizen living.
I'm almost scared to try cooking again.
8.5.06
Alphabet
So I discovered as I daily try to come up with exciting new words to represent the letters of the alphabet when A and I do our learning that my vocabulary is severely lacking. Oh, I know plenty of words, I just don't use them frequently enough in every day conversation or writing to have them on the tip of my tongue.
Our new exercise, therefore, consists of a weekly list which we find my random flipping through the dictionary (reading definitions along with). This weeks list is as follows:
A: Antiphon: a devotional composition sung responsively as part of a liturgy
B: Bracken: a widespread weedy fern having large triangular fronds, tough stems, and often forming tough thickets
C: Cadiz: a city of SW Spain NW of Gibraltar on the gulf of cadiz an inlet of the Atlantic
D: Damocles: 4th century BCE Greek courtier who according to legend was forced to sit under a sword suspended by a single hair
E: Encrypt: To put into code or cipher
F: Finagle: To obtain or achieve by indirect, usually deceitful methods
G: Glint: A brief flash of light
H: Hepatica: a woodland plant having three-lobed leaves and white or lavender flowers
I: Inarticulate: (ME) uttered without the use of normal words or syllables.
J: Jack-o-Lantern: a lantern made from a hollowed pumpkin with a carved face
K: Kiosk: a small, usually freestanding structure used as a newsstand or booth
L: Lapin: Rabbit fur
M: Meir: Golda Meir- Russian-born Israeli Politician (and veritable saviour)
N: Nape: the back of the neck
O: Opine: To hold or state as opinion
P: Percolate: To pass or cause to pass through a porous substance
Q: Quaver: To quiver as from weakness; tremble
R: Rococo: a style of art, esp. architecture and decorative art, marked by elaborate and fanciful ornamentation
S: Shackle: Something that confines or restrains
T: Tau: The 19th letter of the Greek alphabet (almost redundant...)
U: Unmannered: lacking good manners
V: Vacillate: To sway to and fro; to swing indecisively from one course of action to another
W: Walleye: a disorder in which one eye deviates from another
X: Xe: The symbol for the element Xenon
Y: Yardarm: either end of a yard of a square sail
Z: Zooplankton: Plankton that consists of animals.
TADA!
Our new exercise, therefore, consists of a weekly list which we find my random flipping through the dictionary (reading definitions along with). This weeks list is as follows:
A: Antiphon: a devotional composition sung responsively as part of a liturgy
B: Bracken: a widespread weedy fern having large triangular fronds, tough stems, and often forming tough thickets
C: Cadiz: a city of SW Spain NW of Gibraltar on the gulf of cadiz an inlet of the Atlantic
D: Damocles: 4th century BCE Greek courtier who according to legend was forced to sit under a sword suspended by a single hair
E: Encrypt: To put into code or cipher
F: Finagle: To obtain or achieve by indirect, usually deceitful methods
G: Glint: A brief flash of light
H: Hepatica: a woodland plant having three-lobed leaves and white or lavender flowers
I: Inarticulate: (ME) uttered without the use of normal words or syllables.
J: Jack-o-Lantern: a lantern made from a hollowed pumpkin with a carved face
K: Kiosk: a small, usually freestanding structure used as a newsstand or booth
L: Lapin: Rabbit fur
M: Meir: Golda Meir- Russian-born Israeli Politician (and veritable saviour)
N: Nape: the back of the neck
O: Opine: To hold or state as opinion
P: Percolate: To pass or cause to pass through a porous substance
Q: Quaver: To quiver as from weakness; tremble
R: Rococo: a style of art, esp. architecture and decorative art, marked by elaborate and fanciful ornamentation
S: Shackle: Something that confines or restrains
T: Tau: The 19th letter of the Greek alphabet (almost redundant...)
U: Unmannered: lacking good manners
V: Vacillate: To sway to and fro; to swing indecisively from one course of action to another
W: Walleye: a disorder in which one eye deviates from another
X: Xe: The symbol for the element Xenon
Y: Yardarm: either end of a yard of a square sail
Z: Zooplankton: Plankton that consists of animals.
TADA!
5.5.06
Things I've discovered today
1. David Bowie is as sexy in German as he is in English
2. My name shortened sounds like other cool things
(a) TL = Teal
(b) TLea =Tea Leaf
3. David Bowie is not as sexy as Robbie Williams in any language
4. Senators do not appreciate showing up for a meeting which has been cancelled
5. I like to do a celebratory dance when things are NOT my fault
2. My name shortened sounds like other cool things
(a) TL = Teal
(b) TLea =Tea Leaf
3. David Bowie is not as sexy as Robbie Williams in any language
4. Senators do not appreciate showing up for a meeting which has been cancelled
5. I like to do a celebratory dance when things are NOT my fault
4.5.06
Grocery Shopping Guilt
Today I let Eddie do the grocery shopping. I was intending to go with him before our 10 minute weigh in ended up taking 35 minutes.
I re-edited the grocery list knowing that if I were to give Eddie charge I should expect an entirely different cart of items then what I get. I tend to be very specific on my lists (even for myself) so I edited numbers, i.e., peppers (2), lemons (1)-- which could actually be confusing, I could have written "lemon".
We are close to deadly broke, so perhaps I should have been even MORE specific about it because I wrote "veggie oil" and he brought home a gallon of it. Literally. A GALLON. And he completely ignored the "applesauce (1)" and bought two even though it's taken him 2 weeks to get through one.
I've tried not to make comment. In fact, he did better than I anticipated. But after looking over the bill, and realizing we now have NO money until the 11th (when he gets paid again) and we now can't go to Payette to see the kids on Sunday because both vehicles are approaching E, I made the comment he was not even to buy a bottle of water at work or we would overdraft.
When he came home on his lunch hour he spent most of the time walking me through each step of his shopping excursion. "I had Nick (the incredibly hot produce guy) help me pick out a Mango (NOT on the shopping list) because I know how much you love them but you can't ever find them perfectly ripe," "I bought 2 applesauces because they were 2/$4.00," "I picked up cabbage even though it wasn't on the list because it was only $...." I eventually just blocked him out and continued to do dishes.
The scary part is is I'm contemplating sending him to do the grocery shopping next time.
I re-edited the grocery list knowing that if I were to give Eddie charge I should expect an entirely different cart of items then what I get. I tend to be very specific on my lists (even for myself) so I edited numbers, i.e., peppers (2), lemons (1)-- which could actually be confusing, I could have written "lemon".
We are close to deadly broke, so perhaps I should have been even MORE specific about it because I wrote "veggie oil" and he brought home a gallon of it. Literally. A GALLON. And he completely ignored the "applesauce (1)" and bought two even though it's taken him 2 weeks to get through one.
I've tried not to make comment. In fact, he did better than I anticipated. But after looking over the bill, and realizing we now have NO money until the 11th (when he gets paid again) and we now can't go to Payette to see the kids on Sunday because both vehicles are approaching E, I made the comment he was not even to buy a bottle of water at work or we would overdraft.
When he came home on his lunch hour he spent most of the time walking me through each step of his shopping excursion. "I had Nick (the incredibly hot produce guy) help me pick out a Mango (NOT on the shopping list) because I know how much you love them but you can't ever find them perfectly ripe," "I bought 2 applesauces because they were 2/$4.00," "I picked up cabbage even though it wasn't on the list because it was only $...." I eventually just blocked him out and continued to do dishes.
The scary part is is I'm contemplating sending him to do the grocery shopping next time.
3.5.06
Unrealistic Tips on Being a Mommy
"To ease morning chaos, do as much as you can the night before. It helps to pack lunches, set out clothes, and sign any notes or permission slips. Try waking up a half hour before the kids to have a quiet cup of coffee and get showered and dressed in peace."
and what if you're too busy at night trying to get the laundry and dishes done and make dinner which then creates more dishes, oh and then you need to wash the bottles, feed the cats, straighten the baby toys, AND find time to go to the bathroom while trying not to wake the baby? And NO THANK YOU on the "Waking up a half hour BEFORE the kids".. Aurora wakes up between 5-5:30. I'm not quite ready for a 4:30 wakeup.
and what if you're too busy at night trying to get the laundry and dishes done and make dinner which then creates more dishes, oh and then you need to wash the bottles, feed the cats, straighten the baby toys, AND find time to go to the bathroom while trying not to wake the baby? And NO THANK YOU on the "Waking up a half hour BEFORE the kids".. Aurora wakes up between 5-5:30. I'm not quite ready for a 4:30 wakeup.
2.5.06
Today will be hard.
Today will be harder than a 27 hour labour. Today will be harder than watching Aurora boxed under the blue lights with goggles over her eyes so she can't see anything. Today will be harder than Aurora's first doctor appointment.
Today is not about me. Today is not about Aurora.
Today is when those of us who grew up sharing our hopes, dreams, innocence and naivete with each other band together again. Today those girls we were will join with the women we are now. Today we know more of what the world is capable of, what we are capable of. Today we remember why we love each other.
Today we will bury a child.
Today is not about me. Today is not about Aurora.
Today is when those of us who grew up sharing our hopes, dreams, innocence and naivete with each other band together again. Today those girls we were will join with the women we are now. Today we know more of what the world is capable of, what we are capable of. Today we remember why we love each other.
Today we will bury a child.
1.5.06
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