Punk Princess

Aurora's hair is finally long enough to put in a mohawk and I couldn't be more delighted. it's very fitting for her personality.

Some examples: Today I put in TOOL and she waved her arms at me until I would pick her up and dance with her to which she giggled cheerfully through one entire song. I think she loves maynard as much as I do.

Yesterday as I clicked off the tv because it was my turn to play with her I sang the play with me song. It goes something like, "You have to play with me you have to play with me you have to play with me," make sure to do it in a fairly annoying and sing-songy voice. as i finished the last lines she turns her less then thrilled face towards me and lets out a little trucker belch that brought tears of pride to my eyes.

PS: Aurora stood for the first time today all by herself! Yea!

time warp

exhaustion settled in early last night. worked 11 hours straight. in heels. as a chubby girl this has always been a bit unpleasant. more so since having a baby.

I was very perturbed upon arriving home to find the dirty dishes piled in both sinks and the counter. I distinctly recall a conversation with Eddie earlier in the day asking him to do the dishes since mom had Aurora and I would be at work til around 8.

well, I got home at 7. dry dishes from the day before put away.. dirty dishes still there. I was completely flabbergasted, not to mention on the verge of tears. My feet ached and I had to get Aurora in a half an hour. but instead of relaxing I did the dishes.

Eddie arrived a few moments later to me slamming the touchless garbage can lid down (as I've turned the touchless sensor off so I don't set it off every time I walk by). I'm bitter. I complain. he apologizes, "I'm sorry baby I thought you just meant to put them away." which, when feeling risky I ask him to do because he might remember to do it.

Yes, of course. Why Wouldn't I Want to do the dishes after 11 hours at work? How absurd.

at 9 pm I popped 3 ibuproffen and hit the hay. I slept hard.

I awoke and thought the light from the hallway was the computer screen. Glance at the clock: 1:08. Eddie's just gotten home and is playing.

Fall back asleep.

Wake up to same glow: 2:53.
This isn't unusal, Sometimes he's on the computer til 4. at which point I usually walk out and ask if he's going to bother coming to bed at all.

Suddenly car lights hit the room. Eddie's just pulled in. My heart almost beats its way out of my chest with anger. it's 3 am and he's been out doing something! how dare he! I don't hear him come in. he must be setting up the sprinklers. asshole.

door opens, he gets on the computer. I'm furious. I want to cry. where the hell has he been? out drinking? smoking?

finally the lights go out and he comes into bed. he drops the fan (which is set up on our night stand in front of the alarm clock).

I growl from the bed, "How nice of you to grace us with your effing presence."

"Jeez, baby, I had to work late, I just got off."

Snort, "You didn't fucking work until 3 in the morning."

"What in the hell are you taking about? it's just after 1."

I sit up and look at the clock: 1:08, again.

the fan had blocked the 1 on the previous times of 11:08 and 12:53.

I'm such a bitch.

I knew I lost braincells

when I pushed that baby out... hehehe

what did I do to get this body?

eddie's finally named by hypersensitivity to pain: Pansyism

I kicked him out of the house.

it didn't really matter as he had to go back to work anyway.

But then I had to be a fool and taunt him through the glass panels on the front door. he came back to throw water on me. I locked the door.

he had his keys. and the moment I realized he was coming in I went giggling hysterically down the hall. My brain frantically telling my body to turn LEFT, go out the back door, Escape!

Unfortunately, my body doesn't, and hasn't ever, listen much to what little information my brain sends it; So i turned Right. Right into Aurora's Room and Dead END. I issued one scream of panic.

and then, "oh god, I think I peed my pants!"

only a little bit, tho.

fight the future

I've begun working on my duct tape purses/wine bags/etc again. Haven't made any since before Aurora was born. And certainly not within two months of her birth. It's comforting to be at it again.

And this evening I wondered as I stretched piece after piece off their rolls if the sound would be something of a comfort to Aurora later in life. Perhaps hearing it in such close proximity for so many months in the womb and now while growing up she'll hear it in the future, in her twenties or thirties, and sigh thinking about being a little kid and watching her mum make bright colored bags.

And then as that weird duct tape ripping sounded again, I realized what she'll probably do is turn into a serial killer who binds her victims in rainbow duct tape while forcing them to watch Pride & Prejudice.

Elizabeth ?

I'm trying to read the Ondaatje novel "running in the family" and eddie won't stop staring.

T: What?

E:you accented your gray hair. it's saying "here I am!"

T: *body language clearly stating he should seriously think about his health before making further comments about the gray streak in my bangs* Oh, YOU mean my outer symbol of wisdom...

Back to reading

T: you're still staring.

E: you look like Elizabeth Shue with your hair like that.

(Quite a complement. He adores her)

T: no i don't *begins to preen a bit and trying not to smile*

E: You look beautiful, baby.

Calvin

A True Calvin impersonater (Hobbes is asleep in the crib)

 

million dollar wussy

we watched million dollar baby last night. I asked eddie how he felt about me taking up boxing. his comment was I could never do it cuz I'm a big wuss. I glowered at him.

in the kitchen he asked what i would do if he ever beat me. you don't want to know my response and it did scare him. also caused him to point to the fact that I am the only violent one in the household and have no qualms about hitting him. Of course he's 500 times stronger than I am and my violence is my jealous reaction to the fact he could snap my neck without trying.

this morning I half sat up half leaned over eddie's chest to see the alarm clock at the exact moment he slowly brought his sledgehammer hand up to scratch his nose. WHAP! Right into my cute freckled nose with no force behind it other than the strength to lift it. I almost cried. thought my nose was going to start bleeding. he apologized profusely before falling back asleep while I lay in bed rubbing the pain away.

thank god his tolerance for anger is high or I'd never survive.

Pride & Prejudice - Harry Potter Style

absolutely delicious

Avatar: Pride and Prejudice

note quite as good as the harry potter version, but fun nonetheless

Recipe for dealing with PMS

1. cry whenever necessary, and sometimes when it's not
2. eat everything salty you can lay your hands on
3. eat chocolate and/or milkshakes at least once a day (usually at least 5)
4. drink large quantities of tequila

unfortunately, when on a weight loss program the last three are banned. which leaves me to muster all the willpower i can to ignore 2-4, and finds me more often than not dealing with number one.

The First Grade

A friend from High School just sent a picture of her son all spiffed up and ready to go to First Grade. I still remember that day.. do most people? Or is it some odd defining moment for me?

I used to have these sudden earth shattering thoughts that my whole life had been a dream and I would wake up in the dark, with my then very long curls around my face, roll out of bed and tuck Fluffy back up to sleep without me, and dress with the knowledge that I was heading to first grade; I probably wouldn't remember everything in the dream, but that maybe it was enough to give me those snatches of deja vu so that I could pause an instant longer and wonder if I were making the right choice. I probably wouldn't have done anything differently. I'm very stubborn. But then again, I just might have.

favourite pasttime

she's so bloody candid. Wish I could capture the moments she looks like me. Typically it's JUST as she's waking up and she's all grins and giggles. I have to freeze. it's like I time traveled and am actually looking at myself. We can only hope and pray that she looks nothing like either of us as she grows up. 

a week of silence..

last week wasn't meant to be a period of silence, but my entire body shut down last week. Working early mornings plus getting back onto the LA diet just threw me for a loop I wasn't expecting. I was literally getting dizzy spells and sick to my stomach, etc (No, it really was the change in everything).

Had the alarm set early to work out but decided instead to work out over lunch hour (even though I did get up and go to work after the alarm woke me). Unfortunately I'm having a bit of down time due to my scheduling system being updated and, therefore, off line.

Aurora officially crawled yesterday (only two little knee steps) but it's encouraging. Hoping she'll give up the wounded army crawl soon. She's also enjoying standing again. Brandy stocked us up with new toys (it was like Christmas) and one of them is the perfect height for her to stand with. she especially likes for me to tuck my leg under hers so she can sit and stand and then sit and stand and it's very adorable to see her doing squats.

---

And I'm beginning to wonder when I became oh so very boring? there was once a time when my life was surrounded by very real and very imagined happenings which could work me into a operatic-like frenzy for weeks on end. and now, well, now all i have to talk about is my sleep deprivation and babiness. I think i've been using all my engery to 1. keep afloat and 2. to fight with eddie and 3. to not fight with eddie. (i seem to forget why i ever complained about being single).

Coordination.. something which I lack in great quantities

I can't even walk on a treadmill without the threat of losing a limb or being flung into the wall behind me. I am, however, inspired to try these death defying stunts in the gym, if for no other reason than the result would be very entertaining.

I was on my way to bed

but i had to walk past the computer to get to my bedroom and the dark screen sucked me to with almost as much enthusiam as a black hole.

Nothing interesting in my email. Only a lot of freecycle offers I'm tempted to accept until I feel the boxes directly at my back creeping closer and remember I don't have any room for anything else and am trying to get rid of my own shite.

and what have i been up to? other than the usual slave to the household chores I've recently finished (re)reading Pride & Prejudice. Also, Persuasion (finished last night). I could only vaguely remember reading it the first time (shock and horror).

and finally, FINALLY, am reading Diana Gabaldon's A Breath of Snow and Ashes. I've had it for some time. but couldn't bring myself to read it. I thought, at first, I would begin with outlander and re-read the whole series at some point during my pregnancy. WRONG. Every time I read about jamie and claire I thought of Eddie and myself. Very disturbing. Oh, sweet, I suppose, since they're soulmates.. but very disturbing to be in the midst of an uncomfortable pregnancy, almost every moment hating Eddie (all hormones I asure you) and to suddenly have a favourite series and favourite characters bring him to mind so readily. ugh.

but now.. well now I am back to a state of mind (at least a few times a day) in which I can feel myself again.

And I remember, suddenly, what it is to find peace and passion all at once. with a book, especially hardback, it is so easy to fall in love. The cover has an amazing texture which is like worn velvet. and the ridges created by the title down the spine are thrilling under ones fingertips. and the pages themselves, they too should be given such attentions, like reading braille. the ink leaving only the slightest hint of texture, perhaps imagined even.

Rock n' Roll ain't what it used to be

went to a concert this evening. Haven't been to one for quite a while. In fact, I believe the last one I attended (since Perfect Circle cancelled) was Three Days Grace, in Spokane. That was in the spring of 2004.

Tonight the bill was: Hinder (don't ask me), Chevelle (yea), Three Days Grace (orgasmic) and Nickelback (please some get me some crack before I fall asleep).

I was waiting for Natchra to show up (since she had the tickets) and was quite amazed to see how many Old people were at the concert. Quite shocking. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with how mainstream nickelback is. But for people to pay as much as they did for a ticket and sit through the other bands and then have to hear chad kroger spout the F-bomb every other word. I was floored. I can't imagine my parents sitting through any of that. Let alone grandparents and I'm pretty sure I saw kids and grandparents.

I am apparently too "old" to know anything about Hinder since I have never heard their songs.. and apparently just the RIGHT age to find nothing much agreeable in Nickelback (since those much younger and much older than I enjoyed them so much).

Hinder's lead singer (and please forgive me whilst I mock him.. I only mock him because he is living his dream and I am not and he parades around stage) watched far too many Rolling Stones videos during his long stint in a garage band. The only thing which would have made him more like Mick (since he was already disgustingly skinning and liked to stick his ass about) would have been to see his very tight black pants and tanktop in white. I really laughed much of the way through their set. You can also tell they have had far too much time watching other people's concerts and hope to emulate them. DON'T tell the crowd to jump up and down. DON'T tell the crowd to take out their lighters. And DON'T For GODSAKE have your guitarist stop midrif to put his hands together hoping the audience will follow, it's not a fucking hoe down.

I enjoyed Chevelle, but am dismayed to say it has been so very long since I've heard most of their songs it took my brain a bit to catch up and be able to sing any of the lyrics. But enjoyable, nevertheless, as it reminded me of life (which seems very long ago) before baby and immediately after college.

Three Days Grace. Well... I have their band nickname (3DG) hidden in my back tattoo, what else is there to say? They were by far the best entertainment of the evening (and I don't mean fire and heart-stopping explosions which is obviously Nickelback's idea of a good time). Their songs are moving, meaningful and rock. Adam, while much better looking with a mohawk, is still gorgeous (yes my enjoyment of them MAY be swayed by hormones, but only slightly, as Natchra also agreed they were the best of the evening). They only sang 6 songs, but in the midst of "Home" broke out in a cover of "Nice Shot" by Filter and Adam actually made his voice sound like Filter. It was uncanny and enjoyable for those of us who knew the song. The twit next to me had no idea and actually stopped rocking to the beat with a deer in the headlight look, like how the hell could she miss knowing their song.

Nickelback. Well, Chad is cool in his Spiderman song and Santana Song, but other than that I couldn't care less. So we left early and beat the traffic before I fell asleep watching the teens convulse and the oldies leap to their feet with excitement.

Why oh why was my rock and roll hidden in all this garbage?

Even Alley's getting the hang of nap time! 

Great reasons to be a mom

7. Setting a routine...

7b. And watching it work!

Aurora is now aware that being put in her crib means it is time to sleep. For the past week she has gone to bed without fuss, knowing full well after tubbers is bed. For the past two evenings she has gone to bed and slept straight through 12 hours. I repeat 12 GLORIOUS HOURS.

She's even going down for naps with no complaint.

Life is beautiful

Zombie Mommie: Episode 1

I would like to invite you to the dark side of suburban life.

While your every day average citizen is purchasing milk, pumping gas and mowing their lawn there is a dark side closing in. These subjects may look the same and are trying to accomplish the same menial tasks, but there is one small difference: they have joined the living dead!

How can you recognize these creatures?

1. the vacant stare
2. possible drool marks (possibly not even their own)
3. hair frequently unkempt
4. droning language, talking almost always about babies and/or chores

If YOU see one of these beings it is advised to act normal, but limit conversation to no more than three words at a time and to leave as quickly as may be without causing alarm. Back away slowly and do not break into a run until out of sight.

EPISODE 1:

"Hi ---------, I'm running over to the Mail Centre. See you later," the seemingly normal young woman announces to a co-worker. She heads down the stairs without incident. As she strolls across the campus she looks over the grass blades and her brain attempts to make some sense of the blistering heat.

As she reaches the side entrance she pulls on the door only to discover it locked. The creature is completely befuddled. Middle of the work day and she can't get the door to open. She tugs again. Finally her eyes rest upon a small black box next to the door. Her mind ticks off the possiblities as quickly as it's able and she remembers she has a key card in her purse. The light turns from red to green and the door pops off the magnetic lock.

Fortunatey out of the hundreds of small boxes lined up in the hallway hers are easy to remember: 101 & 102. She inserts a key and jiggles. Stuck. She tries again. Then realizes the key goes to the OTHER box. After this slight confusion is cleared up she manages to pull all the mail out of the box and not drop a single piece.

There is a small postcard announcing: "What the Bleep: Down the Rabbit Hole" Her thought process is slightly quicker this time, "I've seen this movie. But.... but I didn't rent it. I've never.. How did I Get this announcement?"

She pushes the Up Button on the elevator and turns the card over, wondering how this company got her name. DING, elevator doors slide open. She carefully steps in, so the heel of her shoe doesn't get stuck in the opening slat. She looks up briefly to push 3 to go to her office. No number 3. "what the..."

She looks around again. "I'm in the wrong effing building." Fortunately the elevator has stayed open and she steps off again, walks up the stairs and BACK across campus to her actual building. This time the elevator does have a number 3 button, and even a number 4, and she makes her way to office without, Thankfully, hurting any persons around her (that she is aware of).

Aurora <3 her tubbers 

Different languages

oh I can't wait for the day my daughter will be able to understand what I say and maybe (on occasion) do so.

7 months old and she just doesn't respond to much I have to say.

although if I say, "Ah ah ahaaaa" she'll freeze and turn to look at me with wonder in hopes of distracting my from the fact she still is reaching for whatever I just "ah ah ahhhh"ed her away from.

Seascape

Random Person: Oh honey! You shouldn't have gotten all those! Don't you regret them?

T: I don't regret expressing myself, only the status quo's reaction to my expression.

There is no map

I used to have a place all to myself. A perfectly situated cabin some where in the woods far from some town I forget the name of. It was tucked at the end of a trail that wasn't really marked, unless you knew what you were looking for. Perhaps the trees themselves opened a path with their branches gently ushering you toward your goal. I couldn't tell you for sure, because I never came by that way.

My cabin had beautiful hard wood floors. I almost never wore shoes, I didn't like the clacking, unless making a point, of course. Then it would have been most useful to wear heels and each step would mark my words with superiority of thinking and grace. but I rarely have a point. I prefer to ramble about very particular subjects, all of which concern only me and have absolutely no conclusion because it always ended with a conclusion I never liked, so I would ramble on, wishing my power of logic and deduction were stronger.

No one was ever allowed to go there. Except with an invitation. And only one person ever received a real one, and she has a key now I think, but she doesn't have time to stop by either.

I remembered the place while doing dishes, which in itself is odd because I never did dishes in the cabin. there was no need. I'm not sure I ever ate in the cabin. I did drink, however. I almost always had a White Russian while visiting. Fabulously stocked bar.

I am sad to think I may never be able to go back. the one magic place in the world and all for me. It wasn't SO very magic, if you must know. Nothing like flying horses, or dashing princes ready to whisk me to their kingdoms and offer me spun gold. Nothing so distracting.

But the fire never went out, the drinks appeared with a wish, it was always night (I know because at any time of day I could visit and sit by the cabin window with my cheek pressed against the cool pane and look at Orion).

I would sink into my favourite chair before the fire and dream about how things should be. And if others had known how to find the place perhaps everything would have ended as they should. Because when visiting the cabin I was so beautiful. None of the usual societal labels applied. I was glowing... always in white gowns and everything just so.

I would have been the envy of any princess in any storybook.

But I don't visit any more. Two reasons for this, I suppose. One, the only way I know to get there is by seeing one's true self in the looking glass and all I see any more is a tired mother. And two... Aurora can't go. It would defeat the purpose and I can't conceivably go without her. It feels too much like abandonment to go to a place so far away from her, not knowing if I would want to come back.

Someday perhaps she'll come with me. Until then I believe the fire is getting very lonely.

The Ring

T: If I bought you a ring would you wear it?
E: Why?
T: *Inner voice: because I wear the $Free.99 CZ ring you got out of the work lost and found*

T: Because I might have found a ring I like and wanted to get for you.
E: ....
T: Plus! I could get a matching one for me...
E:... maybe....

One Day Later

T: So have you thought about the ring issue?
E: What kind is it?
T: Well, would you wear a silver ring....
E:....
T: with the Batman symbol* in it?
E: NO!
T: You don't love me. Maybe we should think about a divorce.

*http://www.noblecollection.com/catalog/product.cfm?id=NN4064&catid=44

have you felt with absolute certainty

that your head would explode if someone expected one more thing from you?

work is, to say the least, overwhelming me. I'm going in tomorrow around 6 to try to play catch up while no one is there to bug me, or phone me or email me.

sooo, I'm trying to make the best of home. It seems like the instant a schedule is set, however, it changes, either due to my work schedule or because Aurora is changing so much. I'm to the point where I'm literally going to write out a schedule (i.e., monday 5pm bottle, 7pm jar food, 7:30pm tubbers, 8pm bedtime, after 8: Dishes, etc). It may be the only way to keep on top of things at this point.

I'm also going to do the same thing for work, there are so many bloody things which may or may not happen for each event that sometimes I let certain paperwork fall through the cracks, so Mondays: turn in Requests for Payment, File receipts; Fridays: enter payments, send invoices, etc.

I think this may help.. also need to rearrange office and set up far more ingoing-outgoing boxes, since typically all my piles eventually become piled into one big pile while looking for something.

BUT, yesterday while work made me sick home life was great (after I got home and cried anyway) Aurora and I had a blast for the most part. I started sketching again. SO got my first sketches of A done. Definitely need some work, but mainly just getting her as chubby and adorable as she really is. Also decided I'm going to start doing some "elizabeth/darcy" sketches. I need artwork and can't afford to buy them, so will work on own pieces to hang in the living room/hall.

started a very baby blanket for A (crochet, of course). Desperately want to get a sewing machine so I can make blankets, curtains, handbags, etc. Would like to have more than just my usual Duct Tape purses, etc to sell at Taste of the Harvest (which unfortunately will not have as much time to prepare for this year on the vending side since I'm doing more than heading up the 8 art booths, but also Jill's assistant).

Well, I'm exhausted and don't even have the energy to sketch, or the wrist strength (hand's been cramping) to crochet. So am going to read some of Pride and Prejudice, because I just can't get enough of Jane.

Wedding Pic

Spud Man, Mom, Brandy, Big Mama (AKA me), Aurora,
Stella Bella, and Zene Machine (with the Elton John look)