I have breakdowns with the same frequency as most women take their birth control pills. I consider break downs to be anything which involve me raising my voice because I can't control it, or slamming my fist into a wall, or screaming at Eddie because I can't take it anymore... but it's been a while since I've had a REAL and GOOD (as in worthy of taking a visit to Nurse Ratchet) break down. That is until last week.
This, with all my college experience with overloaded homework schedules and broken hearts, should come with no surprises and no problems. But there IS a problem. I am no longer a singleton who is allowed to wallow in self-loathing, self-pity or any other "self". And there is the problem in a nut shell. I am not myself. I cannot be myself. I am not ALLOWED to be myself. I don't even know where Tracy went. I even looked under the bar. Or for a trail of empty liquor bottles. There AREN'T ANY!
So last Thursday I started feeling funny. Even a bit sick. Sick enough to call into work. It would pass. Friday would be better.
But then Thursday night hit and I'm alone with my daughter and I want to sit on the cool linoleum of the kitchen in my underwear and smoke myself into oblivion and stare into empty beer bottles.
But I CAN'T. I can't because my beautiful and happy daughter is bouncy on the bed next to me. And Bridget Jones is on the telly and I remember what I used to want from life and it hit me that I may STILL want that from life. And that makes me all sorts of a bad person and mother and I begin to cry.
As a distraction I make some banana bread. I love baking and I haven't baked in years. Unfortunately, the oven lock broke with 8 minutes left on the timer and I JUST KNOW my lovely banana bread is going to burn and my life will be over. So I collapse unto the kitchen floor (without cigarettes and alcohol because I'm a good and dutiful Mother) in a heap of tears. This causes me to scare the living shit out of Aurora who is in my lap crying, holding my face and saying, "it's okay. okay? okay? okay?"
I called into work again. And the next two days were a bit of a haze. Trying to function without the self. Knowing when I go back to work I have to again cover myself with clothing and makeup and at home I have to be okay because my daugther might worry, or I'll make Eddie cry because he's worried.
On Sunday I had a bit of a break through with my breakdown. Aurora went to my mothers and I cleaned. I like cleaning. I love it for ME. what I hate is having to clean for everyone else.. for appearance or because someone else needs dishes and clean clothes (at heart I'm a very selfish being).
And I cried. A lot. I cried because all I want to do is sit and write it all down and not be happy for someone else, not be nice because I might hurt someone else's feelings (even if that person screwed up) and not be reasonable for someone else.
I want to, for even one whole hour, have something just for me. Where I'm in my underwear with the music blasting and a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other and my dreams just running around in my head without fear or guilt that any or all of it will disappoint someone, or hurt someone, or make someone feel i don't love them or that I don't want them.... i just want to be me.
18.9.07
Dinner Parties
I dream about dinner parties. Okay, not literally dream about them, but as I clean my kitchen or iron my tableclothes I look around my lovely green kitchen and think about which dishes I would use to compliment my 60s era coffee cups or whether I should put the kettle on and go with dainty tea cups.
This, however, does not happen. One, I would have to know people who would be interested in a dinner party. Two the few people/couples I do know who do do this sort of thing are way out of my league and I lost touch with them ages ago. I sometimes even think I should just get out some wine and have some girlfriends over to start a book club. but then no one I know has much time to read..or would want to come out to C-Town for an evening of ghetto wine.. and then I'd also have to be able to afford to buy wine.
So the closest I get is having an adult girls only toy party.
(rant thanks to Maggie & Valentino )
but seriously, I'm going to work on this. There has to be a way to find one day a month where some of us can find time to hang out.
This, however, does not happen. One, I would have to know people who would be interested in a dinner party. Two the few people/couples I do know who do do this sort of thing are way out of my league and I lost touch with them ages ago. I sometimes even think I should just get out some wine and have some girlfriends over to start a book club. but then no one I know has much time to read..or would want to come out to C-Town for an evening of ghetto wine.. and then I'd also have to be able to afford to buy wine.
So the closest I get is having an adult girls only toy party.
(rant thanks to Maggie & Valentino )
but seriously, I'm going to work on this. There has to be a way to find one day a month where some of us can find time to hang out.
14.9.07
trains
my old office shook all the time. I mean to the point where I would have to move cups and open drawers, etc., to make whichever weird item had rattled its way to an annoying loud position stop being QUITE as loud and annoying. Something to do with a loose fan under my floor. But they moved my office. And I'm in the old President's house. I thought the only cool things about it were the compfy furniture to sleep on downstairs and the ghosts. But nope, there's more... my computer monitor shakes when trains go by, too.
The continuing saga
As the daytime saga "my-so-called-marriage" (AKA "E.T.A" our initials and it seems fitting somehow) continues Eddie tries subtly to score points/make a point and it backfires.
Scenario: I have asked Eddie to do ONE thing each day while he's home with Aurora (or at anytime really). He has managed to do one of the following each day: empty the dishwasher, put away his clothes, put clothes in washer. somedays he only gets through HALF of a task. Yesterday, Eddie works early and Tracy stays at home with Aurora before heading to work in the afternoon. Tracy returns home at 5pm.
Conversation:
Eddie: Soo.... what did you do today?
Tracy: oh we cooked breakfast, played outside.... (it suddenly dawns on Tracy he might be trying to make a point) you mean around here? Lets see. I put away the dishes from the dishwasher and the dish drainer and REFILLED the dishwasher with dirty dishes. Did three loads of laundry and put away my clothes, yours are in the basket so you could get to those tonight (he didn't). Changed Aurora's sheets and put away all her laundry, sorted her clothes and put things that were too small into a pile for the garage sale and cleaned her bedroom.
Eddie:...... oh......
Scenario: I have asked Eddie to do ONE thing each day while he's home with Aurora (or at anytime really). He has managed to do one of the following each day: empty the dishwasher, put away his clothes, put clothes in washer. somedays he only gets through HALF of a task. Yesterday, Eddie works early and Tracy stays at home with Aurora before heading to work in the afternoon. Tracy returns home at 5pm.
Conversation:
Eddie: Soo.... what did you do today?
Tracy: oh we cooked breakfast, played outside.... (it suddenly dawns on Tracy he might be trying to make a point) you mean around here? Lets see. I put away the dishes from the dishwasher and the dish drainer and REFILLED the dishwasher with dirty dishes. Did three loads of laundry and put away my clothes, yours are in the basket so you could get to those tonight (he didn't). Changed Aurora's sheets and put away all her laundry, sorted her clothes and put things that were too small into a pile for the garage sale and cleaned her bedroom.
Eddie:...... oh......
12.9.07
11.9.07
BRAINS!
I have this weird thing about scary movies. I don't like them. Sunny is the one for scary movies and usually as long as I'm at her house I can watch one a year or so.
I'm fascinated by the Halloween movies (I think because the mask is William Shatner's face and I can't figure out how something so normal is scary, but it is), but pretty sure I haven't seen each of them in their entirity.
I was also the one who was interested in watching the Saw movie. This one was NOT a disappointment as NO ONE watching it, including myself, figured it out and I think I actually may have jumped up on the couch when they revealed the ending. Unlike Disturbia, which I'll watch over and over and over because I've been in love with Shia since Holes, but was so predictable I think Eddie was getting mad I guessed everything WAY before the reveal (like the set up with the deer).
I do, however, have this thing for Zombie movies. Granted I haven't seen them all. I don't think certain movies are necessary (like dawn of the dead, which just looked retarded). But 28 days later.. amazing (haven't seen 28 months since Cillian Murphy isn't in it, but I'm sure someday I'll be roped into watching it and still consider it a bad sequel). The BEST Zombie movie ever made is Shaun of the Dead (and I must admit I expected more from their really really bad movie Hot Fuzz because of it). I am also a fan of Resident Evil. The first.
The first had everything right about it. The second. Well, I could have lived without it. the only pluses about that movie include, of course, Milla Jovovich, whose boots I'd lick clean any old day of the week; a SHORT cameo by Jason Isaacs, but who can resist those blue eyes and that accent (I knew it was him from the trailer even with his face hidden behind a surgical mask, but I'm a bit obsessed like that); and the sad, but expected moment, when you see that monster with those pretty eyes and know that it's Max.. and we loved Max. Not happy at all about how the poor guy ended up.
And NOW a third. I'm all a flutter. Things I like from the trailer: Milla Jovovich (AKA Alice) kicking ass, standing, breathing, etc; that hot medji guy from the Mummy; much decayed zombies which makes sense; and seeing the red queen in what looks like REAL form, but probably isn't really.
Things I'm VERY DUBIOUS about: Alice Clones (does the clone thing ever go well.. but I haven't seen The Island, perhaps I should reserve judgement); zombie crows, as if a huge murder of crows isn't unpleasant enough; that chick from Varsity Blues, The House on Haunted Hill, etc., who isn't so bad in some movies but compared to Milla Jovovich will probably look like a joke.
The countdown to Extinction begins: 11 days and counting
I'm fascinated by the Halloween movies (I think because the mask is William Shatner's face and I can't figure out how something so normal is scary, but it is), but pretty sure I haven't seen each of them in their entirity.
I was also the one who was interested in watching the Saw movie. This one was NOT a disappointment as NO ONE watching it, including myself, figured it out and I think I actually may have jumped up on the couch when they revealed the ending. Unlike Disturbia, which I'll watch over and over and over because I've been in love with Shia since Holes, but was so predictable I think Eddie was getting mad I guessed everything WAY before the reveal (like the set up with the deer).
I do, however, have this thing for Zombie movies. Granted I haven't seen them all. I don't think certain movies are necessary (like dawn of the dead, which just looked retarded). But 28 days later.. amazing (haven't seen 28 months since Cillian Murphy isn't in it, but I'm sure someday I'll be roped into watching it and still consider it a bad sequel). The BEST Zombie movie ever made is Shaun of the Dead (and I must admit I expected more from their really really bad movie Hot Fuzz because of it). I am also a fan of Resident Evil. The first.
The first had everything right about it. The second. Well, I could have lived without it. the only pluses about that movie include, of course, Milla Jovovich, whose boots I'd lick clean any old day of the week; a SHORT cameo by Jason Isaacs, but who can resist those blue eyes and that accent (I knew it was him from the trailer even with his face hidden behind a surgical mask, but I'm a bit obsessed like that); and the sad, but expected moment, when you see that monster with those pretty eyes and know that it's Max.. and we loved Max. Not happy at all about how the poor guy ended up.
And NOW a third. I'm all a flutter. Things I like from the trailer: Milla Jovovich (AKA Alice) kicking ass, standing, breathing, etc; that hot medji guy from the Mummy; much decayed zombies which makes sense; and seeing the red queen in what looks like REAL form, but probably isn't really.
Things I'm VERY DUBIOUS about: Alice Clones (does the clone thing ever go well.. but I haven't seen The Island, perhaps I should reserve judgement); zombie crows, as if a huge murder of crows isn't unpleasant enough; that chick from Varsity Blues, The House on Haunted Hill, etc., who isn't so bad in some movies but compared to Milla Jovovich will probably look like a joke.
The countdown to Extinction begins: 11 days and counting
10.9.07
easy to please
I don't think men have any idea.. no, let me rephrase that: I KNOW men have no idea how easy a woman is to please.
I'm supposed to be wonder woman. Work full-time, take care of the house and family full-time, make big bucks in my 2nd job (mary kay) and without any help. AND I'm supposed to be happy about it. Well, this has started to change.
What was that hunny? You don't like the fact that I'm a raving lunatic bitch all the time? Really! That's amazing, because I find it's a PLEASANT way to pass my time. the frustration, the crying.. it's what I always dreamed being a wife and mother would be like.
As i've said. This is changing. small steps. like Eddie put away Almost all the dishes in the dishwasher, and put his clothes away after 4 days of asking rather than just wearing them straight out of the laundry basket so I can't tell if it's a clean basket or a dirty basket.
And then...well, he did a good thing. He bought me two new bras (as well as some other clothes, but nothing can compare with a new expensive bra). Unless you are a woman I don't think it will be easy to understand how essential these uncomfortable and annoying torture devices are to happiness.
I haven't bought a new bra in at least 4 years. I didn't even try the ones I bought on because i was just too worried I might die of shock in the dressing room. So when we get home I try on my new (and necessarily boring, so they can be worn with most work outfits) bras.
I almost gave myself a black eye. My breasts are so perky I really do feel and look like wonder woman now. Thank god (and I suppose, men) for this amazing structure which makes me look like I have the breasts of an 18 year old.
I'm supposed to be wonder woman. Work full-time, take care of the house and family full-time, make big bucks in my 2nd job (mary kay) and without any help. AND I'm supposed to be happy about it. Well, this has started to change.
What was that hunny? You don't like the fact that I'm a raving lunatic bitch all the time? Really! That's amazing, because I find it's a PLEASANT way to pass my time. the frustration, the crying.. it's what I always dreamed being a wife and mother would be like.
As i've said. This is changing. small steps. like Eddie put away Almost all the dishes in the dishwasher, and put his clothes away after 4 days of asking rather than just wearing them straight out of the laundry basket so I can't tell if it's a clean basket or a dirty basket.
And then...well, he did a good thing. He bought me two new bras (as well as some other clothes, but nothing can compare with a new expensive bra). Unless you are a woman I don't think it will be easy to understand how essential these uncomfortable and annoying torture devices are to happiness.
I haven't bought a new bra in at least 4 years. I didn't even try the ones I bought on because i was just too worried I might die of shock in the dressing room. So when we get home I try on my new (and necessarily boring, so they can be worn with most work outfits) bras.
I almost gave myself a black eye. My breasts are so perky I really do feel and look like wonder woman now. Thank god (and I suppose, men) for this amazing structure which makes me look like I have the breasts of an 18 year old.
5.9.07
what is it about fresh paint (maybe just the fumes) that make me have to re-arrange my books?
The wonderful thing about it is because I've put old hardbacks on the mantel (and parted with books I haven't read in years or will never read again) I actually have a half of shelf FREE for new books. I could cry. Do you know how long it's been since I've had space for NEW books? and this is without cramming them into every nook and cranny and box available!
of course, this means I must go and buy new books. I'm actually salivating at the thought of new (well, used new) books.
That and the deep purple in the living room looks amazing and grown up. a perfect compliment to my BRIGHT green kitchen.
someday pictures will even appear, by magic of course of our house, The Burrow.
The wonderful thing about it is because I've put old hardbacks on the mantel (and parted with books I haven't read in years or will never read again) I actually have a half of shelf FREE for new books. I could cry. Do you know how long it's been since I've had space for NEW books? and this is without cramming them into every nook and cranny and box available!
of course, this means I must go and buy new books. I'm actually salivating at the thought of new (well, used new) books.
That and the deep purple in the living room looks amazing and grown up. a perfect compliment to my BRIGHT green kitchen.
someday pictures will even appear, by magic of course of our house, The Burrow.
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