I Highly recommend going to Youtube and watch the 1st Part of this Series (Sarah Silverman F*cking Matt Damon.. which is funny)
This tops it by about 1,000%
28.2.08
My Mermaid
I walk by the aquatic center at the college every time I go to my car to and from work. I love that soft smell of heat and chlorine floating through the vents. For some reason it reminds me of being young and happy.
Aurora is as much in love, if not more in love, with water as I am. She swims in the tubbers. She is my own mermaid. I was never much of a natural. Can't dive and couldn't even hold my breath under water until I was about 15. I love water nonetheless.
I hope Aurora becomes a mermaid. Tall and lithe with flowing hair that smells of salt water and sun. I never had a chance. destined to be chubby and uncoordinated. inspite of my redheaded mermaid tattooed on my left arm, named Clio after the Muse of History, I have always much more resembled Ursala.. Disney's terrifyingly fat sea witch.
I do dream I can live vicariously through my daughter and fill her with the light, charm and happy memories of an un-fat child.
Aurora is as much in love, if not more in love, with water as I am. She swims in the tubbers. She is my own mermaid. I was never much of a natural. Can't dive and couldn't even hold my breath under water until I was about 15. I love water nonetheless.
I hope Aurora becomes a mermaid. Tall and lithe with flowing hair that smells of salt water and sun. I never had a chance. destined to be chubby and uncoordinated. inspite of my redheaded mermaid tattooed on my left arm, named Clio after the Muse of History, I have always much more resembled Ursala.. Disney's terrifyingly fat sea witch.
I do dream I can live vicariously through my daughter and fill her with the light, charm and happy memories of an un-fat child.
Oscar the Grouch
For Valentine's Day Eddie bought me a bunch of balloons, amongst other things. One of the balloons sang. Every time it was tapped it would sing a bit tinny, but fairly good loud quality, "You're still the one that makes me shout; still the one that I dream about..." This was endearing the first two times.
Aurora soon found the singing balloon and every time it would hit the ceiling or bump into a wall it would sing. After about a week I destroyed the balloon. I threw it in a paper bag near the garbage. She found it yesterday and played with the crumpled balloon, making it sing. I then threw it in the regular garbage.
Now every time I throw something away my trash can sings, "...we're still havin' fun and you're still the ooooonnnneee!" I wonder if Oscar's trash can sang to him and that's why he was a grouch. He loved his trash can as much as it loved him. Although he could fit at least four elephants and a worm into his and I think I could only manage the worm in mine.
Before our trash bags make it all the way to the can in the back alley for pick up it usually ends up outside our back door to be taken the next time we head to the car. I can only imagine those damn smelly toms coming up to investigate the bag at 3 in the morning only to have a man begin singing obnoxiously to them. It might be worth leaving out there for awhile. And perhaps getting a video set up just so I can enact sweet sweet revenge on those evil stray cats.
Aurora soon found the singing balloon and every time it would hit the ceiling or bump into a wall it would sing. After about a week I destroyed the balloon. I threw it in a paper bag near the garbage. She found it yesterday and played with the crumpled balloon, making it sing. I then threw it in the regular garbage.
Now every time I throw something away my trash can sings, "...we're still havin' fun and you're still the ooooonnnneee!" I wonder if Oscar's trash can sang to him and that's why he was a grouch. He loved his trash can as much as it loved him. Although he could fit at least four elephants and a worm into his and I think I could only manage the worm in mine.
Before our trash bags make it all the way to the can in the back alley for pick up it usually ends up outside our back door to be taken the next time we head to the car. I can only imagine those damn smelly toms coming up to investigate the bag at 3 in the morning only to have a man begin singing obnoxiously to them. It might be worth leaving out there for awhile. And perhaps getting a video set up just so I can enact sweet sweet revenge on those evil stray cats.
15.2.08
1.2.08
a brutally honest mother
I was not meant for motherhood. I have patience, but only for children who belong to others. I am so honest I wonder how long it will be before I permanently scar my daughter, if I haven't already.
My child is a dork. In fact a more fitting name for her would have been Dorkus. She has inherited my skills for over acting, exaggeration, stubborness, insanity, loudness, bitchiness and clumsiness. She is an absolute joy to watch because she's so hilarious.
last night after telling her she was fucking psycho (oh i know... it probably isn't very appropriate to cuss in front a 2 year old, but heck.. i figure the less I sugarcoat now the less likely she is to resent me for being a hypocrit later), she turns about a minute later and walks across the couch, looking very serious, and says, "not sico.. me baby"
I stare at her with incomprehension. she's right she's not a circle... oh Psycho.., "well, yes, you are a baby, Aurora, but you are also a psycho, which makes you a psycho baby" At which point she turns her play fridge on it's side so she can surf on the back of it and yells, "sico sico sico sico sico..." I think for about 10 minutes.
I tuned her out, but after about 9.5 minutes Eddie yells from his pigsty..umm.. office, "DADDY'S ABOUT TO SO PSYCHO IF YOU DON'T STOP!" So Aurora stops.. looks at me very seriously, takes a deep breath and with much purpose walks into her father's room, points at him and says, "sico" Daddy responds with a very poignant one word sentence.. "momma" so she points out at me, "sico" and we all nod yes and clap in agreement and return to being a family of complete "sico"s and sit down to watch Aurora run back and forth across the family room pretending to run into the wall because we all laughed so hard the first time she did it on accident.
My child is a dork. In fact a more fitting name for her would have been Dorkus. She has inherited my skills for over acting, exaggeration, stubborness, insanity, loudness, bitchiness and clumsiness. She is an absolute joy to watch because she's so hilarious.
last night after telling her she was fucking psycho (oh i know... it probably isn't very appropriate to cuss in front a 2 year old, but heck.. i figure the less I sugarcoat now the less likely she is to resent me for being a hypocrit later), she turns about a minute later and walks across the couch, looking very serious, and says, "not sico.. me baby"
I stare at her with incomprehension. she's right she's not a circle... oh Psycho.., "well, yes, you are a baby, Aurora, but you are also a psycho, which makes you a psycho baby" At which point she turns her play fridge on it's side so she can surf on the back of it and yells, "sico sico sico sico sico..." I think for about 10 minutes.
I tuned her out, but after about 9.5 minutes Eddie yells from his pigsty..umm.. office, "DADDY'S ABOUT TO SO PSYCHO IF YOU DON'T STOP!" So Aurora stops.. looks at me very seriously, takes a deep breath and with much purpose walks into her father's room, points at him and says, "sico" Daddy responds with a very poignant one word sentence.. "momma" so she points out at me, "sico" and we all nod yes and clap in agreement and return to being a family of complete "sico"s and sit down to watch Aurora run back and forth across the family room pretending to run into the wall because we all laughed so hard the first time she did it on accident.
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