control freak?

Yes, yes I am. but the need for control stems from fear. Or does the fear stem from the need for control? I'm never sure, but it drives Eddie crazy and I think may be the ruin of my life.

Today Eddie veered from our normal course home from Payette. He decided to take a road he'd never taken before. As I used to live in Payette and had traveled the road many times to my old house I suggested I drive. But, no, he wanted the scenic drive.

and then he decided to turn down a road I'd never taken. He asked. and I answered, "no, I don't want to go down that road." He slowed and I raised my voice, "No, I DON'T WANT to go that way." He asks where it goes, and I frantically answer, " I DON'T KNOW. Don't turn." He turns anyway as a beast rips through my stomach and clenches my heart with 5 long claws and my feet are on the dashboard and I'm screaming, "Don't DON'T DON'T DON'T!"

And then he's mad at me. And I can't explain that I'm scared. How can a grown woman be afraid to turn down a road not 6 miles from her old house in an area in which she's grown? And the terror keeps my tongue silent except for hateful abuse because I'm so angry at the beast holding my heart and and him because he couldn't just listen. That he couldn't understand this fear that I have such a hard time speaking of.

You know you're too fat when....

While Aurora took a tubbers last night I convinced her to let me wash Sheepie as he stunk something awful. I promised he would be done by the time she went to bed. After much drying I went upstairs to get him.

I decided it would be much more interesting to trick Aurora and hide Sheepie in my shirt. So it wasn't entirely obvious I tucked in my side and walked nonchalantly down stairs. I sat on the couch in between Eddie and Aurora.....

Eddie turns and starts to talk to me. He keeps talking and I'm forced to admit to myself that the extra growth around my middle is barely discernible to him. In fact after a good two minutes of conversation he suddenly looks down and his eyes go wide with wonderment and then he quickly looks at my face, the fear and horror shining brightly, "Oh god."

"Oh god, yes," I spit out, "I'm so fat you didn't even fucking notice I had a stuffed animal shoved up my shirt."

Eddie's mouth slowly curves into a frightened smile and with a voice so high-pitched it was like his body had eaten his nuts he softly manages an, "I love you?"

long ago but not so far away conversation number 293875

*BEFORE THIS AMAZING MEMORY IS LOST FOREVER*
SET SCENE: girls watching "A walk to remember" at S's house right after it came out on DVD; the temporary tattoo scene is starting.

(ON SCREEN) Shane West's Landon: "Where do you want it?"

TL: *Spreads her legs and points to her high inner thigh* Right here.

*Hysterical laughter by women in room*

(ON SCREEN) Mandy Moore's Jamie: *Sweetly and innocently points to her shoulder*

*Boos and hisses and groans of frustration by women in room*

S: You know, they were supposed to call me for this part but they forgot my number.

TL: I'm not sure how, it's in every bathroom stall in America

*More hysterical laughter and high fives at the awesomeness of the burn*

playful and inappropriate conversation Number 83748

TL: [insert snarky comment about Eddie's ability to give BJ's]

Eddie: [insert snarky response about my female genitalia]

TL: Sir! Do you dare impunge my P****'s honor?!

Eddie: *snort* well, we are talking about YOUR P****, afterall

TL: oh, right... [leading into distracting conversation about Best Buy]

Number of diners forever damaged by conversation = 9