Life of a Singleton

There are times when life melds wonderfully, but most of the time I feel as though I am leading a double life. In part, this is to figure out what the heck I really am doing with all my time and what I should continue to do because it makes me happy and what I shouldn't do because it makes me cry, or what is important for me to do because it makes me cry and that means I'm learning or what makes me laugh and I learn and, well, I hope you get the point.

Whatever the case, there is a lot of doing lately. And a lot of head turning. And a lot of pondering and agreeing and disagreeing. If you're worried about me at this point.. please don't be. It is all part of the journey afterall.

And I'm finally seeing a counselor and listening to some amazing spiritual advisors (like the lovely Becky, Enlightening Whispers, and long time acquaintance Jim, Spiritual Awakening Process). And although they keep reminding me that learning to be healthy and happy requires a lot of letting go... in order for me to let go also means I have to let go of fear and my fear is usually the fear of saying yes. So, therefore, there is a lot of saying yes and DOING!

Last week was very full.
Sunday evening was an advisory board dinner (for Gamma Phi Beta, as I'm helping out as the PR advisor for our local chapter) followed IMMEDIATELY by me checking out a new church. I'm still checking it out. It is interesting. Lots of very nice people, good music, open.. a bit emotive for me (I know, it always suprises me, too, that the one thing I am NOT emotive about is my personal relationship with the universe, at least not in front of people).

Monday night was dinner and truth telling with some of my closest friends. I don't think they would mind me stating that we're all very different and each come with a very unique set of fucked up issues. We're working on them. What else is there to do?

Tuesday night attended T.W.G. at the new church. TWG stands for Time With God. A band plays, there is art, journaling, talking, prayer. Like I said, I'm trying it out... I don't know if it will change my relationship with the universe, or if that is even what I want to do. But sometimes, especially lately, when the universe throws something into the path, it's best not to ignore it.

Wednesday night I had drinks with a good-looking new acquaintance. We went to the Hollow, which was nice because I got my favourite beer and my head didn't explode from newness.

Thursday I went to my first sushi restaurant (no I didn't eat, nor will I eat, fish), but had a yummy happy bowl and then we went to the most unbelievable play in ever. "Shipwrecked". just a few players. It was eccentric and harrowing and funny. I laughed, I cried, I laughed so hard I cried. Yep, it was amazing.

Friday night Sam and I went to another play, of not quite the same caliber, but super enjoyable for all its hokiness. Also, we were smart enough to sneak in a bottle of rum when we realized there was no alcohol. Unfortunately, they served soda in cans, so there were awkward bathroom breaks and guzzling and pouring and giggling. Fortunately, the couple seated with us were so sweet and innocent they really didn't have a clue.

And then I made a complete fool of myself afterwards talking as loudly as ever about the hot 17-year-old in the play... unfortunately, his mother was behind us. She didn't appear to be drinking rum, so she wasn't quite as pleased with the conversation. Oh well. I don't think I should have to explain to EVERY person I run into that I don't discriminate (especially by age). I'm an equal opportunity flirt. It's a talent.

Saturday was lounging and (owl)ie creating before heading to a friend's for wine and jewelry and delicious snackies, like brie. mmmmmmmmmmm. And upon arriving home I stayed up to crochet and watch "Donnie Darko".. twice.

Yea, I know, but I couldn't sleep.

See, here's the thing about trying to understand oneself.. it requires re-processing things. A LOT. because first everything is processed as normal (which isn't always healthy), and then there is taking a step back and thinking, "okay, so if I weren't me and I were a normal person who wasn't terrified of these things, how would I react and process things?" and then re-processing. But then all those habits crop up again and your brain starts twisting things into old, recognizable forms. And then... you have to bloody start all over re-evaluating and, well, it's exhausting AND LOUD. So I've been completely wired a lot lately.

And, yes, it's okay if at this point you think I'm utterly insane (worse than we expected). I keep wondering the same. But I'd rather be where I am now.. starting to understand the patterns and know that they are fixable and that a lot of things about me are perfectly perfect... then always scared that I'm just not experiencing life because I AM Scared.