My heart stutters. More than it used to. A few years ago I became worried when I discovered a bird in my chest. Its wings fluttered under my ribs, pressing against my throat so that for a brief moment the surprise of finding such a beast in my skin made it difficult to breathe.
It only happened every few days. Usually when I would sit still. Acting as if taking a moment of rest was terrifying & too much to handle.
The doctor looked at me with disdain, "29? You are Too young to have anything wrong with your heart."
"Thank you, yes. I just want to check, you know I have a young daughter. I want to make sure I won't die tomorrow," is my response with a self-depreciating sort of laugh and downcast eyes.
"It is not worth the time to run tests. If you did something about your weight things would be better."
"Oh. I see." And I left.
And I began to eat better and exercise. And I lost 50 lbs. And when I am running my heart doesn't stutter.
But as soon as I began getting healthy my heart stutter became more frequent.
On a normal day it stutters about upon waking, sitting at my desk, during meetings, visiting with friends, right this very moment. Every 10 seconds or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes it goes an hour without reminding me of its existence, this little bird who accompanies me everywhere.
I wonder what it is about this bird, inside this extravagant cage of flesh and bone, that makes it so discontent. I feed it, take it for walks, and most recently because it is so demanding, I give it almost entirely free reign. It is mostly kept on my sleeve these days. For people to pet and comment how pretty and shiney her plummage is. And she preens and sings in response. But she will not still her fluttering.
And I am thinking, again, that I must face someone who knows more about hearts than I only to be told I am too young for anything to be wrong.
But perhaps the only thing wrong is the heart wants what it wants, and mine has been wanting for a very long time. Beacause, you see, 31 Earth years (and who can say how many light years before that) for a heart in search of something is much older than you or I can comprehend.
It only happened every few days. Usually when I would sit still. Acting as if taking a moment of rest was terrifying & too much to handle.
The doctor looked at me with disdain, "29? You are Too young to have anything wrong with your heart."
"Thank you, yes. I just want to check, you know I have a young daughter. I want to make sure I won't die tomorrow," is my response with a self-depreciating sort of laugh and downcast eyes.
"It is not worth the time to run tests. If you did something about your weight things would be better."
"Oh. I see." And I left.
And I began to eat better and exercise. And I lost 50 lbs. And when I am running my heart doesn't stutter.
But as soon as I began getting healthy my heart stutter became more frequent.
On a normal day it stutters about upon waking, sitting at my desk, during meetings, visiting with friends, right this very moment. Every 10 seconds or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes it goes an hour without reminding me of its existence, this little bird who accompanies me everywhere.
I wonder what it is about this bird, inside this extravagant cage of flesh and bone, that makes it so discontent. I feed it, take it for walks, and most recently because it is so demanding, I give it almost entirely free reign. It is mostly kept on my sleeve these days. For people to pet and comment how pretty and shiney her plummage is. And she preens and sings in response. But she will not still her fluttering.
And I am thinking, again, that I must face someone who knows more about hearts than I only to be told I am too young for anything to be wrong.
But perhaps the only thing wrong is the heart wants what it wants, and mine has been wanting for a very long time. Beacause, you see, 31 Earth years (and who can say how many light years before that) for a heart in search of something is much older than you or I can comprehend.
posted from Bloggeroid
1 comments:
Hey there you! It's been a little while. I too have not been reading blogs a great deal for some months. My own issues have had fun interfering with my life also.
Your little bird sounds similar to the one in my chest, but she only beats her wings once maybe every few weeks or even less. I've heard that a lot of women going through menopause feel it too(which might be my reason), and it's something that's never really worried me much. But I do have to say that I'm wondering if maybe your doctor is full of it! :) Not that I'm saying you do have something seriously wrong with you, but there certainly are peeps out there younger than you that were NOT too young to have heart problems. Perhaps just for peace of mind, it wouldn't hurt to get the opinion of someone else. There could also be many other reasons for that flutter, and at 31(did you say?) you're also not too young to be starting up with peri-menopausal symptoms. One of my g.mothers started at around that age. Sounds like you need a good, more broadminded doc that is willing to listen to you. Preaching is now done! :))
I've just read back on a few posts to catch up a bit, and I always enjoy the read, when I manage to get here. I often find you profound, deep, quite diverse, not always at a level of my own understanding, but truly enjoyable and so interesting! Even though I may be more than 20 years your senior, you often seem a much older soul. we are definitely on different worlds of learning; self or otherwise. :)
Think I'll be back to have a look at that link to The No Longer Silent K!!
Sorry about the amazingly loooooong comment! :))
Take care and be peaceful. x
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