Did you know the electrical signal in the heart is called an "action potential"?
My heart seems to be the only place strong enough for all my experience. To walk, and sometimes run or dance, through doubts and mortifications and passion and peace, is not something for the weak. But still scary to those of us who are not blindly stumbling about our existence, but carefully choosing to take the next move of foot, hand, mouth and carve out this path.
I want to weep for all things. Joy and pain; to be consumed with passion for life and this experience. Even THIS experience. This flow of words, the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my nimble fingers, which, although it takes only a moment, can take forever. Years of thought, sometimes, built up behind the motion, only suddenly to be released, for better or worse, sometimes not at all as poetic as my heart wishes it could be in shades of ash and pink.
My heart and tears are searching for a freedom; a release in laughter is found a lot by my heart these days, but sometimes I yearn to weep in sadness; both healing and uplifting. I think they will find freedom in deliberation.
To choose to say, "yes", (which has been so hard for so many years) and in finding freedom in the affirmative I am also choosing freedom in the negative. I will deliberately not be forced into situations that no longer serve my experience. So freedom is also found in no. Like ying yang and crying laughter.
And each decision of movement, each step taken with yes, means ANOTHER step will be taken with no. Planting a foot firmly in the path for an instant longer, deliberately finding a foothold, planting a stake with a flag waving proudly, "I consciously make this declaration for myself." That leads to a thousand potential yes spots along the path.
There is nothing to be lost in deliberation. Only a chance to gain All Things. Lessons will be learned; there should be no fear in missing. Take the time to learn THIS lesson. THAT lesson will come later, at the moment you are best able to accept and incorporate the knowledge into your heart and the next yes. And if you move in haste? If the lesson is not learned, it will be retaught. Sometimes it takes years, getting stuck on a lesson. But with focus one can begin to discern which yes and no to take. Simply spend a moment listening to the strongest of your muscles. The muscle which sustains you. Your Heart.
And with each lesson learned a chapter is added to your life. The story becomes clearer and bigger and more satisfying. Each new moment is enriched with the emotion felt. Embrace it. All of it. Make love to it. Be thankful for it, even if the tension is crawling up your spine and settling into your shoulders. Shake It Off. Breathe, move slowly if you need, but choose to say yes or no to the moment.
And the more deliberately I'm making MY decisions, the more I want not to hide. I want to throw back curtains and greet each sunlit morning and star filled night with a knowing smile, to remember my power (and yours) given through each memory of experience and expectations of new moments.
I feel as if I am reading my favourite book, where I am so familiar with the characters and lines, but they still bring a smile to my face or a tender tear to my eye no matter how many times I've read them, and with each reading a different nuance is caught, because each remembered experience changes perspective with each new experience. This Novel. My novel. My Life. I am writing it. DELIBERATELY (I will hound this forever, this resolution of mine) with yes and nos sprinkled liberally throughout!