First Steps

You may have noticed that I have a slight problem with will power and intrinsic motivation. I have plenty of grand ideas and scattered plans and desires, but sometimes, after staring at something in the eye, studying it, and designing a plan of attack I think, "Holy feck. that's a lot of work." Then I shrug my shoulders, which easily sloughs off most of the build up, turn around, and pretend I didn't really want it in the first place.

So it comes as quite a surprise when I hear from people how goal driven I am and how do I keep my motivation, etc. In fact, I get a fantastical look of incredulity upon my face (just like right now), look around, and then end with some awkward sort of a snort of laughter.

I have started so many projects with no end.

Like my stories; I'm a writer, don't you know? The problem is, to be a writer you only have to have a burning desire to write, to pour your life force onto a page by any means necessary. It doesn't have to make sense, or be publishable, or even good. It just means your hands ache, your brain screams silently, there is an occasional cold sweat, and the desire to drink heavily if you Don't Write.

Now, in recent years, admittedly, I have gotten a bit better. But I allow myself so many distractions; and I think it is human nature, this self-sabotage (a phrase stolen from the lovely, Jessie, who recently wrote that to me and I like it very much).

Losing weight? Well, maybe I don't really need to get out of bed this morning to jog; can't lose weight if I'm exhausted. Or, why shouldn't I have that delicious beer while spending time socializing, isn't that a special occasion (every night of the bloody week)?

Writing? Well, I'm not quite sure what to write, perhaps if I play word with friends or check Facebook for the 75th time in the last 10 minutes inspiration will strike.

Feel my eye roll. FEEL IT! These are ridiculous statements which come from fear.

Fear of failure. Self-sabotage operates out of this deep, dark, and well camouflaged fear in efforts to protect us.

See, if I'm too tired to work out (which equals burning calories) and I'm just too damn popular and enjoying my hedonistic lifestyle (which equals lots and lots of additional calories) then I can't possibly be expected to lose weight. It isn't my fault. I can't succeed, so I better not really fail. I'll just stop trying.

Yes, this would be a good time for a little facepalm action. BUT, I am more and more (and, trust me, this is a daily, minutely actually, process) realizing that if I can self-sabotage then I can also self-support.

So, a few decisions like REALLY watching what I eat/drink which means I won't feel QUITE as though I have to kill myself during a workout. What a lovely trade off actually! Smaller portions of deliciousness (equals fewer calories) and working out just as much as I feel like in my brand new work out clothes (see, double reward, equals more calories burned).

I ALSO have to have reminders. I'm a kinetic learner, which means I have to have my hands on it. But because I like words so much I learn very well through reading and writing. WRITING!

So I found this lovely site: All Women Stalk (through Pinterest, of course). Where I can look up all sorts of useful (and sometimes ridiculous) information.  COPY down pertinent points/reminders and then take them home and WRITE them down, very prettily, with colored sharpies, into one of my many notebooks. This helps burn the ideas (like, always carry water, don't drink soda, NO Fast food) in my brain.

The next reminder has to be constant.  In my face, or I'll "forget", especially when confronted with deliciousness.  SO I have sharpied (good lord, what would I do without sharpies?) my goal onto my wrist.  BIG BLACK numbers staring at me every time I take a bite or a sip of something.  I know, it sounds slightly masochistic, but it has prevented some major over eating moments lately.  And I'm quite pleased with this new little badge of self-support.

Now, when it comes to writing, that's a bit more difficult.  I want very much to write silly little meaningful stories, but right now (well, for a few years actually) my characters have just been sitting in the corner staring at me.  A few new ones have even appeared and sit, tapping their fingers on their folded arms, smiling smugly at me.  I mostly want to punch them in the face when they get that way. But I suppose it's my own fault for being TOO AFRAID to put them onto paper anymore than I have. 

So, again, let's start small.  First, put down the distractions, AKA le mobile. Last night I removed Words with Friends and Facebook from my phone.  I know.  Immediately after doing so, I had a slight anxious feeling.  But I've done it before (and I don't have a computer or Internet or cable at my house BECAUSE of my addictions), so I'll just do it again.

THEN just get the pen moving. Let's write our typical drivel (here, in my journals, scraps of paper). Stupid girly things, like how to focus on losing weight.

Awkward, right?

But you'd be surprised how quickly the pen wants to remove surface layers to try to find what's beneath.

And that is all motivation is about, isn't it? Making the decision to take one step. Take One Step. ONE STEP.  And another one step. And before you know it, you'll turn around and realize you're squinting to see the starting point.

What tips/tricks do you have for finding motivation?