1. i really want to take a hot shower but have already had three between 1 a.m. and now
2. i wish i looked good in dressy boots
3. i seem to not mind all colors of gummy worms now. but im feeling slightly nostalgic about when justin would pick out all the green & white (my favourite) worms for me.
4. i'm finally the age of bridget jones
5. when i sleep with crystals i dont move at all and it is very peaceful
6. i love taking naps on the sofa
7. i still mostly suck at scrabble
8. i would like to play cribbage soon
9. i should have checked the mail earlier as it has been about a week, but i didnt feel like walking those few extra yards
10. i have not been drinking enough water lately as it is making me feel nauseated; my body clearly prefers beer.
11. i hope it isn't wet on saturday - not that it would matter much
12. i feel that i am incredibly impatient, but i have been waiting (not necessarily serenely) for cerain things for years
13. it appears as though an answer that has always been no is now suddenly a yes, and i am slightly bemused but think it has always been an inevitable i just had to come to terms with who i am and what i want
14. i need to invest in more shoes
15 blogging from my phone is slightly frustrating
16 i really need a day to spend mostly nude in blankets on the couch
17 i should remember to water my plants
18 what should i do with all my vinyl? need to have it digitized
19 i am talking myself in circles and it isn't that complicated, so i need to just stop thinking and just do
20 i need to remember to pack other shoes for the weekend
21 going 6 weeks without a paycheck sucks
22 cant wait to get taxes-haven't done my own in about 7 years so that should be fun
23 i dont want to drive tomorrow night
24 i need to rejuvenate before saturday.
25 i love being an aquarius
26 why do i worry so much about whether people like me or not when i am so content in being myself? seems so contradictory .
24.1.12
My Type
I am these two poured over ice and shaken, not stirred.
How to Get Along with Me
How to Get Along with Me
Find out your type here.
The Helper (the Two)
Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.How to Get Along with Me
- Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific. download movies best free download movies ang cheap cigarettes very nice download mp3 best mp3 free buy cialis online
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
- In Intimate Relationships
- Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
- Reassure me often that you love me.
- Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
- being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
- knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
- being generous, caring, and warm
- being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
- being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
- not being able to say no
- having low self-esteem
- feeling drained from overdoing for others
- not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
- criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
- being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
- working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
- are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
- try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
- are outwardly compliant
- are popular or try to be popular with other children
- act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
- are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)
- are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
- are often playful with their children
- wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
- can become fiercely protective
The Adventurer (the Seven)
Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.How to Get Along with Me
- Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
- Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
- Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
- Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
- Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
- being spontaneous and free-spirited
- being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
- being generous and trying to make the world a better place
- having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
- having such varied interests and abilities
- not having enough time to do all the things I want
- not completing things I start
- not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
- having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
- feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
- are action oriented and adventuresome
- drum up excitement
- prefer being with other children to being alone
- finesse their way around adults
- dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up
- are often enthusiastic and generous
- want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life
- may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive
Find out your type here.
20.1.12
What's Hot
Let's just get this out of the way. There is only one (and no matter your feelings, you'll have to agree).
What's NOT: Snow.
'nuff said. Moving on.
What's HOT
Live Music: Music, in general, of course. But Live is a must. The universe has been exceptionally kind to me this month. I spent lots of money going to TOOL (Each cent worth it), and found out last week Snow Patrol would be hitting a nice tiny venue not too many hours from me in April. But I was out of funds and tickets went on sale whilst I was flying to Reno, anyway. And THEN.. last night I received two refund checks unexpectedly. AND tickets to SP are NOT sold out. Two of them will be awaiting me at will call.
and EXTRA HOT? One of my lovely spiritual guides, Becky, will be in attendance so we'll get to spend time swooning together.. OH and my best friend is going with me AND we have a friend we grew up with there who (thanks to the miracle of FB) has invited us to stay with her!
Getting along with Aurora: We have had an exceptional week. And although she crawled into bed at 1:30 this morning (only a half hour after I had finally gone to bed) and kept me awake a lot, we have had a blast. We've written, and read, and had social hours, and flirted with cute boys, and had dinners. What more could a mother ask for?
Well, nothing, really, but as a bonus she told me when she had a little girl she was going to name her Tracylea so she could always always be reminded of me. And I enjoyed an evil chuckle at the thought of tormenting yet ANOTHER generation of boys.
Using Your Words: during a discussion with Franny the other day I was talking about how silly it is for me to fear words, which are my favourite things ever, and I am so often verbose, that it seemed ridiculous for me to be nervous to get up and speak at church, or in other areas of my life. She pointed out (because she is a very smart woman who knows me far too well) that sometimes situations call for words to contain emotion and I am much better at deflecting my insecure moments with wit and sarcasm. So I am practicing using my words. It is very stressful, but very rewarding.
Dates: Of all kinds! Play dates, lunch dates, girl dates, venting dates, boy dates. They're fun.
and hitting 700 posts! wow!
What's NOT: Snow.
'nuff said. Moving on.
What's HOT
Live Music: Music, in general, of course. But Live is a must. The universe has been exceptionally kind to me this month. I spent lots of money going to TOOL (Each cent worth it), and found out last week Snow Patrol would be hitting a nice tiny venue not too many hours from me in April. But I was out of funds and tickets went on sale whilst I was flying to Reno, anyway. And THEN.. last night I received two refund checks unexpectedly. AND tickets to SP are NOT sold out. Two of them will be awaiting me at will call.
and EXTRA HOT? One of my lovely spiritual guides, Becky, will be in attendance so we'll get to spend time swooning together.. OH and my best friend is going with me AND we have a friend we grew up with there who (thanks to the miracle of FB) has invited us to stay with her!
Getting along with Aurora: We have had an exceptional week. And although she crawled into bed at 1:30 this morning (only a half hour after I had finally gone to bed) and kept me awake a lot, we have had a blast. We've written, and read, and had social hours, and flirted with cute boys, and had dinners. What more could a mother ask for?
Well, nothing, really, but as a bonus she told me when she had a little girl she was going to name her Tracylea so she could always always be reminded of me. And I enjoyed an evil chuckle at the thought of tormenting yet ANOTHER generation of boys.
Using Your Words: during a discussion with Franny the other day I was talking about how silly it is for me to fear words, which are my favourite things ever, and I am so often verbose, that it seemed ridiculous for me to be nervous to get up and speak at church, or in other areas of my life. She pointed out (because she is a very smart woman who knows me far too well) that sometimes situations call for words to contain emotion and I am much better at deflecting my insecure moments with wit and sarcasm. So I am practicing using my words. It is very stressful, but very rewarding.
Dates: Of all kinds! Play dates, lunch dates, girl dates, venting dates, boy dates. They're fun.
and hitting 700 posts! wow!
19.1.12
T00L: the legend
After being introduced to TOOL in 2001 with the release of "Lateralus" I began the adventures of attempting (sometimes successfully) to see them live.
Attempt 1:
Summer of 2001 I flew to Seattle to visit "the boy" (AKA one of my best friends, NOT boyfriend in spite of my best efforts), under the pretense that he was buying tickets to the concert. Landed at the airport and, fortunately, for his health, I was very much enamoured of him because he had NOT gotten us tickets.
Outcome: Failure in that winning way.
Attempt 2:
Spring of 2002, tickets to the Salt Lake City concert went on sale the day I graduated from college. I graduated, finished packing up "the boy" (AKA FINALLY my boyfriend, for about one whole month), sent him off through my tears, and bought us TOOL tickets. Within another month I moved on, breaking us both a little (I think), because the drama was more sustaining for me. And "Schism" was our story as we road tripped to the concert.
But I rocked my red corset and anime hair and cried when they sang "Jimmy"
Outcome: Winning in that failing kind of way.
Attempt 3:
FINALLY, TOOL came back to Boise in 2003. I bought tickets. They were only $35.00, so I bought three and took a close friend and a hot boy I was trying to impress. Concert was unbelievable. Boy turned out to be a douche. Friend and I haven't spoken in years.
I rocked my red corset again, this time with shorter hair, and don't remember if I cried.
Outcome: Win
Attempt 4:
10,000 Days released. Came to Boise in December of 2007. He who shall not be named was supposed to get us tickets. One of the few tangible gifts I ever asked of him. Suffice to say he couldn't be bothered with sacrificing some of his $400.00 a month food bill (Side note, fat men should NOT work in grocery stores AND eat out 7 times a day) to afford the tickets.
Outcome: FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
Attempt 5:
RENO! 2012! Wonderful long-time friend, and sorority sister, Christine, informs me TOOL is touring and coming to her town. I buy plane tickets. A quick over night stay. Red Corset was lost along with my 50 lbs the year previous. Quick FB shout out gets me lots of new clothes and offers of delicious satin and pleather. So outfit is acquired within a week.
Attempt 1:
Summer of 2001 I flew to Seattle to visit "the boy" (AKA one of my best friends, NOT boyfriend in spite of my best efforts), under the pretense that he was buying tickets to the concert. Landed at the airport and, fortunately, for his health, I was very much enamoured of him because he had NOT gotten us tickets.
Outcome: Failure in that winning way.
Attempt 2:
Spring of 2002, tickets to the Salt Lake City concert went on sale the day I graduated from college. I graduated, finished packing up "the boy" (AKA FINALLY my boyfriend, for about one whole month), sent him off through my tears, and bought us TOOL tickets. Within another month I moved on, breaking us both a little (I think), because the drama was more sustaining for me. And "Schism" was our story as we road tripped to the concert.
But I rocked my red corset and anime hair and cried when they sang "Jimmy"
Outcome: Winning in that failing kind of way.
Attempt 3:
FINALLY, TOOL came back to Boise in 2003. I bought tickets. They were only $35.00, so I bought three and took a close friend and a hot boy I was trying to impress. Concert was unbelievable. Boy turned out to be a douche. Friend and I haven't spoken in years.
I rocked my red corset again, this time with shorter hair, and don't remember if I cried.
Outcome: Win
Attempt 4:
10,000 Days released. Came to Boise in December of 2007. He who shall not be named was supposed to get us tickets. One of the few tangible gifts I ever asked of him. Suffice to say he couldn't be bothered with sacrificing some of his $400.00 a month food bill (Side note, fat men should NOT work in grocery stores AND eat out 7 times a day) to afford the tickets.
Outcome: FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
Attempt 5:
RENO! 2012! Wonderful long-time friend, and sorority sister, Christine, informs me TOOL is touring and coming to her town. I buy plane tickets. A quick over night stay. Red Corset was lost along with my 50 lbs the year previous. Quick FB shout out gets me lots of new clothes and offers of delicious satin and pleather. So outfit is acquired within a week.
Hit Reno, and my favourite coffee shop (the only one within hours).
And visit Lake Tahoe
And get my modeling in a graveyard of sorts...
And the line into TOOL is the longest I've ever seen! It wraps around city blocks. And we end up behind a group of friendly TOOL fans, and we're friendly, too, so it works out well. The only problem with these two groups, is they each contain one very lascivious, flirtatious, and outgoing person. I, of course, happen to be ours. And then "Steve" (oh okay, his name was REALLY Gary) was the other.
As a note of warning to anyone shooting for absolutely ridiculous and awkward (as I so often am), sometimes when someone asks you an absolutely ridiculous question, they don't expect you to say yes. And sometimes when someone answers yes to an absolutely ridiculous question they don't expect you to follow through. When the two collide something like the following ensues: (please consider this a disclaimer that this is entirely inappropriate, and might embarrass you, but hilarious)
G: "Can I bite you?"
T: LAUGHING, "Sure."
G: swoops, pulling corset down, scooping unsuspecting me off the ground while latching his mouth onto exposed flesh.
T: Spinning above the ground, laughing and squealing in hysterics.
G: Eventually unlatches and sets me down, "Thanks!"
T: Laughing, too shocked to even manage a blush, "You're Welcome."
T: Laughing, too shocked to even manage a blush, "You're Welcome."
As the security guards split us off into gender specific groups for searches Gary ends up behind me for the first time.
G: "oh my god, your ass is fabulous, too! Can I bite it?"
T: I may not be very bright, but I'm not ALWAYS an idiot, "Gary, you're all out of time! It's my turn and Maynard is waiting!"
T: I may not be very bright, but I'm not ALWAYS an idiot, "Gary, you're all out of time! It's my turn and Maynard is waiting!"
Thus saving the crowd and my dear friend any more instances of public nudity and lewd acts.
And I cried when "Stinkfist" played and again at "Schism" and I tried not to worry too much that it might be the last time I heard TOOL live. It was amazing.
Outcome: Win; with a side of embarrassing awkwardness.
18.1.12
Pretty Plumage II
Halfway through. First half is here.
Am I allowed to admit this is becoming trying?
Not that it isn't forcing me to break out of my shell (yep, I'm snickering, too, it's okay), which is fun at moments. But, honestly, I'm going to have to switch to searching for interesting makeup ideas, because I'm bored with just changing colors (and some of the colors just aren't that great on me). And if I search for creative makeup ideas it's probably going to get REALLY Crazy, which takes time. Time and checking my meetings schedule.
Also, my face is starting to wish it could just be nude. Nudity is so freeing! But.. I've started this, and, well, I'd hate to disappoint myself.
So here are some more days...
Day 6: Lizzy Bennett
Day 7: C of I, Purple and Gold
Day 8: Hard Candy
Day 9: Foxy
Day 10: Orange Crush
Day 11: I hate this one
Am I allowed to admit this is becoming trying?
Not that it isn't forcing me to break out of my shell (yep, I'm snickering, too, it's okay), which is fun at moments. But, honestly, I'm going to have to switch to searching for interesting makeup ideas, because I'm bored with just changing colors (and some of the colors just aren't that great on me). And if I search for creative makeup ideas it's probably going to get REALLY Crazy, which takes time. Time and checking my meetings schedule.
Also, my face is starting to wish it could just be nude. Nudity is so freeing! But.. I've started this, and, well, I'd hate to disappoint myself.
So here are some more days...
Day 11: I hate this one
10 more days...
17.1.12
Minor Miracle
This morning, after hitting Dutch Bros. Coffee for our regular (medium black and a not-so-hot chocolate with whipped cream), Aurora and I were at a stop light when she asked, "Mom, what's that one place that starts with an M?"
I heave a little sigh, because we've played this game before, and if I don't get it right immediately we can quickly degenerate into frustration (mine at her less than helpful clues and hers at my idiocy).
"The place with the M...." My mind tries filing quickly through every place I've taken her. No, not a Chinese restaurant, maybe a town, some place in Boise, or nearby?
"Flying M? Messenger?"
Her eye roll is obligatory with the exasperation in her tone, "No, Mom. THAT Place, right THERE!"
She is pointing across the street to glowing golden arches.
I stutter, "Th-that Place?! You're sure? McDonald's?"
"Yeah! McDonald's!"
And my inner self does a triumphant yawlp that MY daughter does not know That name, but I don't release it because I'm terrified she'll follow with the dread question: can we go there?
Instead, she says softly, "Their food is gross."
WINNING!
I heave a little sigh, because we've played this game before, and if I don't get it right immediately we can quickly degenerate into frustration (mine at her less than helpful clues and hers at my idiocy).
"The place with the M...." My mind tries filing quickly through every place I've taken her. No, not a Chinese restaurant, maybe a town, some place in Boise, or nearby?
"Flying M? Messenger?"
Her eye roll is obligatory with the exasperation in her tone, "No, Mom. THAT Place, right THERE!"
She is pointing across the street to glowing golden arches.
I stutter, "Th-that Place?! You're sure? McDonald's?"
"Yeah! McDonald's!"
And my inner self does a triumphant yawlp that MY daughter does not know That name, but I don't release it because I'm terrified she'll follow with the dread question: can we go there?
Instead, she says softly, "Their food is gross."
WINNING!
16.1.12
T00L: the intro
I refused to listen to TOOL prior to 2001. I only ever saw giant trucks with misogynistic, homophobic assholes driving around with their TOOL stickers stuck proudly on their windows, right next to Korn (who I didn't like) and knew it wasn't for me.
But there was this boy...
A boy who was shy and nervous and two years behind me in college; he spent all of his free time playing Counter Strike and Diablo II and, eventually, with me. And in the spring of 2001, when we should have been working, but the day was slow, he sat me down and said, "You will love TOOL. I know you."
I am always intrigued by people who think they know me, because even if I sit and scream about myself at you all the time, which I do, I mostly skip over all the important pieces so that when rejected, it is only those things placed around me as a distraction and not anything too real.
And this shy boy, who made all the effort in the world to love me as best he could, even though it was never enough to satiate me, sat down and gave me my favourite thing, words:
"What was it like to see,
The face of your own stability,
Suddenly look away,
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?
Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him,
By coming home.
Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven.
You're too scar'd to realize this,
You are the voice that's been calling me back home.
Under a dead Ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light and wondering,
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping lost and numb I.
So glad that I have found you.
I am but wide awake and heading,
Home.
I wish that I could see you,
Turn and run to play.
Dreams are fading,
Carry my ancient soul.
Carry me into the light.
Aim your body heavenly,
Enduring a memory.
I’ll come to your light,
Hold your light.
Hold your light where I can see it,
Hold it,
High.
Hold your light,
Eleven, Lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory,
I'll move,
To heal,
As soon as pain allows so we can,
Reunite,
And both move on together.
Hold,
Your light,
Eleven lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory 'till,
One,
And one are one,
Eleven.
So glow,
Child,
Glow.
I'm heading back home..." - Jimmy, TOOL
And I fell in love with the true emotion those words seared into me.
There is a reason Lateralus looks this way...
But there was this boy...
A boy who was shy and nervous and two years behind me in college; he spent all of his free time playing Counter Strike and Diablo II and, eventually, with me. And in the spring of 2001, when we should have been working, but the day was slow, he sat me down and said, "You will love TOOL. I know you."
I am always intrigued by people who think they know me, because even if I sit and scream about myself at you all the time, which I do, I mostly skip over all the important pieces so that when rejected, it is only those things placed around me as a distraction and not anything too real.
And this shy boy, who made all the effort in the world to love me as best he could, even though it was never enough to satiate me, sat down and gave me my favourite thing, words:
"What was it like to see,
The face of your own stability,
Suddenly look away,
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?
Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him,
By coming home.
Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven.
You're too scar'd to realize this,
You are the voice that's been calling me back home.
Under a dead Ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light and wondering,
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping lost and numb I.
So glad that I have found you.
I am but wide awake and heading,
Home.
I wish that I could see you,
Turn and run to play.
Dreams are fading,
Carry my ancient soul.
Carry me into the light.
Aim your body heavenly,
Enduring a memory.
I’ll come to your light,
Hold your light.
Hold your light where I can see it,
Hold it,
High.
Hold your light,
Eleven, Lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory,
I'll move,
To heal,
As soon as pain allows so we can,
Reunite,
And both move on together.
Hold,
Your light,
Eleven lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory 'till,
One,
And one are one,
Eleven.
So glow,
Child,
Glow.
I'm heading back home..." - Jimmy, TOOL
And I fell in love with the true emotion those words seared into me.
There is a reason Lateralus looks this way...
... becauseTOOL's music sounds exactly like the beating of my heart, the opening of my valves, the electricity flowing between my chakras, and the life and death of my cells.
Which is why I flew to Reno this weekend, to let TOOL remind me that I have always been what I have been, even if I am scared to death of some of those things. I'm going to continue this process of removing my skin and playing with the strings of my heart and the fire in my soul. I'm starting to fall in love with myself and the courtship is beguiling.
13.1.12
WTF
Because acknowledging emotions is important to fully grasp the experience, I am going to take a moment to do so:
Dear Vaguely Familiar Emotion,
I think we have met before, but it's been a long time, and we've both changed. I'm not sure what to say, except,
FUCK!
I am fluctuating between speeding heart, crying, smirking, saying "I told you so", and laughing.
I want to sit on the couch with you, vaguely familiar but changed emotion. I want to be nude, wrapped in layers of fluffy blankets, legs and fingers entangled with yours, until I get to know your name again and your scent is on my skin. Long enough so that when you are gone I'm relieved. Just until I recognize you and love you for what you are, and the brief moment I have you, and don't need you back for a very long time.
Sincerest Regards
Dear Vaguely Familiar Emotion,
I think we have met before, but it's been a long time, and we've both changed. I'm not sure what to say, except,
FUCK!
I am fluctuating between speeding heart, crying, smirking, saying "I told you so", and laughing.
I want to sit on the couch with you, vaguely familiar but changed emotion. I want to be nude, wrapped in layers of fluffy blankets, legs and fingers entangled with yours, until I get to know your name again and your scent is on my skin. Long enough so that when you are gone I'm relieved. Just until I recognize you and love you for what you are, and the brief moment I have you, and don't need you back for a very long time.
Sincerest Regards
12.1.12
Action Potential
Did you know the electrical signal in the heart is called an "action potential"?
My heart seems to be the only place strong enough for all my experience. To walk, and sometimes run or dance, through doubts and mortifications and passion and peace, is not something for the weak. But still scary to those of us who are not blindly stumbling about our existence, but carefully choosing to take the next move of foot, hand, mouth and carve out this path.
I want to weep for all things. Joy and pain; to be consumed with passion for life and this experience. Even THIS experience. This flow of words, the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my nimble fingers, which, although it takes only a moment, can take forever. Years of thought, sometimes, built up behind the motion, only suddenly to be released, for better or worse, sometimes not at all as poetic as my heart wishes it could be in shades of ash and pink.
My heart and tears are searching for a freedom; a release in laughter is found a lot by my heart these days, but sometimes I yearn to weep in sadness; both healing and uplifting. I think they will find freedom in deliberation.
To choose to say, "yes", (which has been so hard for so many years) and in finding freedom in the affirmative I am also choosing freedom in the negative. I will deliberately not be forced into situations that no longer serve my experience. So freedom is also found in no. Like ying yang and crying laughter.
And each decision of movement, each step taken with yes, means ANOTHER step will be taken with no. Planting a foot firmly in the path for an instant longer, deliberately finding a foothold, planting a stake with a flag waving proudly, "I consciously make this declaration for myself." That leads to a thousand potential yes spots along the path.
There is nothing to be lost in deliberation. Only a chance to gain All Things. Lessons will be learned; there should be no fear in missing. Take the time to learn THIS lesson. THAT lesson will come later, at the moment you are best able to accept and incorporate the knowledge into your heart and the next yes. And if you move in haste? If the lesson is not learned, it will be retaught. Sometimes it takes years, getting stuck on a lesson. But with focus one can begin to discern which yes and no to take. Simply spend a moment listening to the strongest of your muscles. The muscle which sustains you. Your Heart.
And with each lesson learned a chapter is added to your life. The story becomes clearer and bigger and more satisfying. Each new moment is enriched with the emotion felt. Embrace it. All of it. Make love to it. Be thankful for it, even if the tension is crawling up your spine and settling into your shoulders. Shake It Off. Breathe, move slowly if you need, but choose to say yes or no to the moment.
And the more deliberately I'm making MY decisions, the more I want not to hide. I want to throw back curtains and greet each sunlit morning and star filled night with a knowing smile, to remember my power (and yours) given through each memory of experience and expectations of new moments.
I feel as if I am reading my favourite book, where I am so familiar with the characters and lines, but they still bring a smile to my face or a tender tear to my eye no matter how many times I've read them, and with each reading a different nuance is caught, because each remembered experience changes perspective with each new experience. This Novel. My novel. My Life. I am writing it. DELIBERATELY (I will hound this forever, this resolution of mine) with yes and nos sprinkled liberally throughout!
My heart seems to be the only place strong enough for all my experience. To walk, and sometimes run or dance, through doubts and mortifications and passion and peace, is not something for the weak. But still scary to those of us who are not blindly stumbling about our existence, but carefully choosing to take the next move of foot, hand, mouth and carve out this path.
I want to weep for all things. Joy and pain; to be consumed with passion for life and this experience. Even THIS experience. This flow of words, the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my nimble fingers, which, although it takes only a moment, can take forever. Years of thought, sometimes, built up behind the motion, only suddenly to be released, for better or worse, sometimes not at all as poetic as my heart wishes it could be in shades of ash and pink.
My heart and tears are searching for a freedom; a release in laughter is found a lot by my heart these days, but sometimes I yearn to weep in sadness; both healing and uplifting. I think they will find freedom in deliberation.
To choose to say, "yes", (which has been so hard for so many years) and in finding freedom in the affirmative I am also choosing freedom in the negative. I will deliberately not be forced into situations that no longer serve my experience. So freedom is also found in no. Like ying yang and crying laughter.
And each decision of movement, each step taken with yes, means ANOTHER step will be taken with no. Planting a foot firmly in the path for an instant longer, deliberately finding a foothold, planting a stake with a flag waving proudly, "I consciously make this declaration for myself." That leads to a thousand potential yes spots along the path.
There is nothing to be lost in deliberation. Only a chance to gain All Things. Lessons will be learned; there should be no fear in missing. Take the time to learn THIS lesson. THAT lesson will come later, at the moment you are best able to accept and incorporate the knowledge into your heart and the next yes. And if you move in haste? If the lesson is not learned, it will be retaught. Sometimes it takes years, getting stuck on a lesson. But with focus one can begin to discern which yes and no to take. Simply spend a moment listening to the strongest of your muscles. The muscle which sustains you. Your Heart.
And with each lesson learned a chapter is added to your life. The story becomes clearer and bigger and more satisfying. Each new moment is enriched with the emotion felt. Embrace it. All of it. Make love to it. Be thankful for it, even if the tension is crawling up your spine and settling into your shoulders. Shake It Off. Breathe, move slowly if you need, but choose to say yes or no to the moment.
And the more deliberately I'm making MY decisions, the more I want not to hide. I want to throw back curtains and greet each sunlit morning and star filled night with a knowing smile, to remember my power (and yours) given through each memory of experience and expectations of new moments.
I feel as if I am reading my favourite book, where I am so familiar with the characters and lines, but they still bring a smile to my face or a tender tear to my eye no matter how many times I've read them, and with each reading a different nuance is caught, because each remembered experience changes perspective with each new experience. This Novel. My novel. My Life. I am writing it. DELIBERATELY (I will hound this forever, this resolution of mine) with yes and nos sprinkled liberally throughout!
11.1.12
What's Hot
We have entered the second week of 2012. When someone asked me, on Sunday, how my first week of the year had gone, I stood wide-eyed. A week? So many things had happened, how could it have been only seven days? And what would transpire during the remaining 359 days?
TWG: TWiG, Time With God. An amazing time every other Tuesday at my church, visio dei. Ardent plays worship music (to which I am starting to learn the words, which makes a bit of a difference); the bar is stocked with coffee, tea, sodas, and cute bartenders; journals are set out (although I bring my own, sometimes I also want to share words with those who might need the comfort of someone else's emotions as they have done for me); friends; peace; and words.
TWG allows me to sink into the comfort of focus and whatever that might be (singing, or relaxing on the couch, or dancing, or bleeding my heart through ink), instead of Rushing from one thought to the next, one emotion to the next, which usually reflects worry and not contemplation.
MOVEMENT: Motion is motivating. This is an important fact, which is all too often forgotten. Want to wake up? Move. Simple. Begin slowly if you must (or sometimes because it is just enjoyable).
Start with the flutter of eyelashes; remember your muscles with a simple stretch of a leg through the sheets and lengthen your torso by pushing your arms under a pillow above your head. The languid stimulation will so delight your nerves and neurons a fervor might begin in your blood. Don't stifle it, or ignore it, breathe into it and Move.
FRIENDS: A permanent fixture on the list. At the snap of a finger, a push of the send button, a drop of a tear, an uncomfortable shrug of the shoulder, a high-five with unintelligable squealing words, I am afforded love, laughter, coaching, head slaps, rejoicing, smiles, compliments, advice, truth, and time. Thank you!
TWG: TWiG, Time With God. An amazing time every other Tuesday at my church, visio dei. Ardent plays worship music (to which I am starting to learn the words, which makes a bit of a difference); the bar is stocked with coffee, tea, sodas, and cute bartenders; journals are set out (although I bring my own, sometimes I also want to share words with those who might need the comfort of someone else's emotions as they have done for me); friends; peace; and words.
TWG allows me to sink into the comfort of focus and whatever that might be (singing, or relaxing on the couch, or dancing, or bleeding my heart through ink), instead of Rushing from one thought to the next, one emotion to the next, which usually reflects worry and not contemplation.
MOVEMENT: Motion is motivating. This is an important fact, which is all too often forgotten. Want to wake up? Move. Simple. Begin slowly if you must (or sometimes because it is just enjoyable).
Start with the flutter of eyelashes; remember your muscles with a simple stretch of a leg through the sheets and lengthen your torso by pushing your arms under a pillow above your head. The languid stimulation will so delight your nerves and neurons a fervor might begin in your blood. Don't stifle it, or ignore it, breathe into it and Move.
FRIENDS: A permanent fixture on the list. At the snap of a finger, a push of the send button, a drop of a tear, an uncomfortable shrug of the shoulder, a high-five with unintelligable squealing words, I am afforded love, laughter, coaching, head slaps, rejoicing, smiles, compliments, advice, truth, and time. Thank you!
10.1.12
And the words are all escaping me...
And the heart is hard to translate,
It has a language of it's own,
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations,
In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures,
In short shallow gasps.
But with all my education,
I can't seem to commend it,
And the words are all escaping me,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
And it talks to me in tiptoes,
And sings to me inside,
It cries out in the darkest night,
And breaks in morning light....
No, words are a language,
It doesn't deserve such treatment,
And all my stumbling phrases,
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling,
All this heaven,
Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having,
Words were never so useful,
So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before.
- Florence + the Machine
It has a language of it's own,
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations,
In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures,
In short shallow gasps.
But with all my education,
I can't seem to commend it,
And the words are all escaping me,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
And it talks to me in tiptoes,
And sings to me inside,
It cries out in the darkest night,
And breaks in morning light....
No, words are a language,
It doesn't deserve such treatment,
And all my stumbling phrases,
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling,
All this heaven,
Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having,
Words were never so useful,
So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before.
- Florence + the Machine
9.1.12
Pretty Plumage
Because I love things costumey, and I adore Makeup, AND I like taking pictures of myself (it's a disease) I have started a 21 Days of Makeup Challenge.
This is inspired by the lovely Meg (my magical hair stylist) who handed me the latest ELLE last week whilst my hair cooked.
Note: if you click on one it will pull them into a larger screen and you can click through them.
Day 1: Blue and Pink
Day 2: Purple (GO YOTES!) and Coral
Day 3: 80s! (PS I love my hair this way IN PERSON; it doesn't translate well in photos, unfortunately)
Day 4: Classic
Day 5: Elizabeth Taylor Meets James Dean
This is inspired by the lovely Meg (my magical hair stylist) who handed me the latest ELLE last week whilst my hair cooked.
Note: if you click on one it will pull them into a larger screen and you can click through them.
5.1.12
What's Hot
I'm bringing it back. The Lovely Loobylu used to do a "What's Hot, What's Not" Wednesday. It was fun. Sometimes even the nots are fun (and we might throw a few in on occasion because snark is too good to resist), but we'll prefer to stick mostly to the hots.
So to begin our 2012 What's Hot, we are going to also include a short time travel to 2011.
Counseling: I was stuck. Badly. So badly it was hurting. And, with some prompting by old friends and new spiritual guides, I took the plunge. I decided to throw all my crazy at a stranger (and not just any stranger, like here, but one trained and qualified to tell me I was crazy). You know the amazing thing? He told me I wasn't crazy. And I was kind of offended. But he did open some old hurts, showed me healthy and unhealthy patterns/boundaries, and how to teach myself the difference between the person I think society says I should be, the person I told myself I should be, and the person I WANT to be.
Vacation: I had not taken a two week vacation since college. Well, unless you count that one time I quit my job and didn't look for another until the migraines subsided two weeks later, or my three week maternity leave; I do not.
And it was wonderful. No travel, no pressure, just lots of family time, some friend time, lots of crafting, X-Files, and ruminating. I have never been so okay with being fairly unproductive. I did not feel the need to visit work, or check email, or do the dishes if the mood did not strike. Peace and calm and allowing my mind and emotions to re-align to new boundaries.
Work: It was nice get back to work. My unharried and unharrassed time off reminded me how much I love my job. I enjoy most every aspect. I get to see people I love on a daily basis, I get to organize and schedule and plot and map, I get to be involved with things near and dear to my heart, and all the while be myself (loud, flirtatious, funny, quiet, rock star hair, tattoos, and everything else).
You: You are hot. And you should tell me more about yourself. I would like that very much.
So to begin our 2012 What's Hot, we are going to also include a short time travel to 2011.
Counseling: I was stuck. Badly. So badly it was hurting. And, with some prompting by old friends and new spiritual guides, I took the plunge. I decided to throw all my crazy at a stranger (and not just any stranger, like here, but one trained and qualified to tell me I was crazy). You know the amazing thing? He told me I wasn't crazy. And I was kind of offended. But he did open some old hurts, showed me healthy and unhealthy patterns/boundaries, and how to teach myself the difference between the person I think society says I should be, the person I told myself I should be, and the person I WANT to be.
Vacation: I had not taken a two week vacation since college. Well, unless you count that one time I quit my job and didn't look for another until the migraines subsided two weeks later, or my three week maternity leave; I do not.
And it was wonderful. No travel, no pressure, just lots of family time, some friend time, lots of crafting, X-Files, and ruminating. I have never been so okay with being fairly unproductive. I did not feel the need to visit work, or check email, or do the dishes if the mood did not strike. Peace and calm and allowing my mind and emotions to re-align to new boundaries.
Work: It was nice get back to work. My unharried and unharrassed time off reminded me how much I love my job. I enjoy most every aspect. I get to see people I love on a daily basis, I get to organize and schedule and plot and map, I get to be involved with things near and dear to my heart, and all the while be myself (loud, flirtatious, funny, quiet, rock star hair, tattoos, and everything else).
You: You are hot. And you should tell me more about yourself. I would like that very much.
2.1.12
Of All Things
The New Year has hit. The Big Year. So big, some say, it is the end of All Things. The end of life as we know it. And, I must say, I quite agree.
I successfully (although sometimes quite painfully) navigated 2011 and accomplished all of my high and mighty goals. I wrote those lofty goals with absolutely no idea how to realize them.
I did not imagine my fears were so hidden and deep rooted that it would take the worst night of my life smashing me in the face, until I, literally, locked myself in a friend's bathroom paralyzed with panic.
Nor that I could learn to actually love myself. I didn't know that if I stared long enough at all the things of which I am ashamed (physically, spiritually, and mentally) that I could begin to understand how very scared and battered those bits were and they just need attention; and will continue to need attention, but they are me. And I am beauty incarnate. Just like you.
So this year, I want to enjoy the end and beginning of All Things with deliberation. I am going to live resolutely in my deliberateness.
I will write, exercise, meditate, better myself as a parent, and love with the deliberate thoughtfulness I deserve. That, in actuality, each of those moments deserves. Haste will not be rewarded. I will purposefully seek exquisite emotionality of experience.
I successfully (although sometimes quite painfully) navigated 2011 and accomplished all of my high and mighty goals. I wrote those lofty goals with absolutely no idea how to realize them.
I did not imagine my fears were so hidden and deep rooted that it would take the worst night of my life smashing me in the face, until I, literally, locked myself in a friend's bathroom paralyzed with panic.
Nor that I could learn to actually love myself. I didn't know that if I stared long enough at all the things of which I am ashamed (physically, spiritually, and mentally) that I could begin to understand how very scared and battered those bits were and they just need attention; and will continue to need attention, but they are me. And I am beauty incarnate. Just like you.
So this year, I want to enjoy the end and beginning of All Things with deliberation. I am going to live resolutely in my deliberateness.
I will write, exercise, meditate, better myself as a parent, and love with the deliberate thoughtfulness I deserve. That, in actuality, each of those moments deserves. Haste will not be rewarded. I will purposefully seek exquisite emotionality of experience.
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