Life in the Sun

Weekend was filled with bright blue skies and so much sun we lived in a melty world of fake hawaiian scents most of the time.

Friday night ended up being a girls' night with lots of scrumptious (and healthy) treats.

Emma, Cherese, Alexis, Claire, Frances, and Karin

And then there was some more relaxing (because we took over a friend's hot tub. Yea for his awesome roommates who served us delicious beer).

And then it was time to get serious.  The thought which got me through all last week... SUN!

Yes, I am white. But I'm not really THAT white; these are the effects of instagramming with some zombie effect (or at least that's what Frances said).  This was also taken at about 11:00 am... we ended up being outside from about 9:30 am to 4:00 pm doing absolutely nothing except a little yoga, sunscreen application, moving from towel, to chairs, to towel, and refilling waters.

And then the Bolo Ball! Some of our delightful alumni put on a dinner/auction/concert as a fundraiser for the track team (the track coach shares office space in our cozy little home).  So after a few hours in the sun (and NO instagramming) I went from the above.. to this:

And although by the end of the evening I was more than a bit drunk, I, fortunately, have lovely friends who take very good care of me. So when I say, "where are we going again?" they say, "to get you food." Oh yes, thank you very much. And when we get home and I realize I'm wearing Franny's boots and they are too tight I can say, "Take my boots off." Ta-Da!

Of course there are good things and bad things about a leisurely life in the sun, like having too much time to think. When there is that much sun, sweat, and contemplation things are bound to happen. 

One being landing upon a course of action and following through.  Action and adventure and awkwardness is what I've been working on these past few years, but I still don't always leap fearlessly.  And sometimes finding a voice means telling most of the voices to shut the hell up so you can listen to what matters, except the voices all seem to have very valid and logical arguments.

Unfortunately, unlike other courses of action I have made in my "This is the novel of your life" momentum, I didn't get that delightful relief of knowing I could proceed with my life.  Instead I felt even worse.  Which I suppose is the indication I didn't actually do what I meant to. 

So that leads to more contemplation (with a slight hangover).

But there are cures for over thinking.  Like going hiking in the blistering heat in a bikini.

That is Henny, Frances' darling dear.

And then going for delicious food because you couldn't eat before the cathartic hike.

Intrepid Hikers: Frances, me, Katie, and Emma behind the camera.

The good news is I eventually got my words just what I meant them to be (with a lot of help from the universe). And I'm feeling so much better.  And, this, this helps:

My life.  Holy shite.  This is my life.  Even with my mottos and goals.. why is it so easy to forget THIS is what I'm doing with my time? Delicious ambiguity, indeed.  Make sure in all the unknown, however, you're still doing what you're doing for you. This Is IT. 

Is what you said today what you'd have wanted to say if you weren't here tomorrow?

xo

Blue Period

I am going through a blue period. You may have noticed. 

Fortunately, it is not at all something so somber as one might think.

Instead, it is mostly bright, true blue; occasionally a splash of teal, turquoise, or crisp navy.  Everyday I want to wear it.  I don't, however, own a ton of blue, so I am in the process of acquiring and accessorizing.   

According to the color wheel pro:

Light blue is associated with health, healing, tranquility, understanding, and softness.
Dark blue represents knowledge, power, integrity, and seriousness.

I completely agree. 

It also reminds me of the spring sky, accentuated with delightful puffs of clouds and brilliant sun.

Yellow, too, seems to be catching my eye over-frequently.  And I'm picking up all sorts of things in bright canary or neon.  Fitting at the moment, "Yellow produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness, stimulates mental activity, and generates muscle energy." (via)

The warm weather is promising all sorts of opportunities for delightful adventures, spurred on by more thoughts of making sure I'm LIVING My life without regrets.

 

Beginning with our lovely Easter Weekend (which seems to have been hidden by the ominous and cathartic "mind fuck" post):

The spoils of our Easter PBR Hunt:
Kathy, Baby Taylor, Shaun, Cassie, Tanya, Lauren (up a tree), Tiffany, Alexis, me, and Antonio.
Behind the camera is Emma, Frances, Erick, and Ashley.

And what other adventures will we be having, you ask?  Well, this week has been spoiling ourselves with girl time; Nails (in sparkly blue, of course); taking third at trivia with our all girls team "Teeny Weenies" (When we're loaded with boys we're the "Thunder C*nts"); and birthday dinner with fabulous people for the fabulous Alexis at Mai Tai. 

For the weekend? I don't want to give it away. But rest assured it involves another weekend in the "big city" (I'm going to have to start paying Frances rent), lots of sunbathing, some cowboy boots (I know! I won't spoil it. I plan on bringing the big camera to capture the moments), possibly some wine and beer (which I haven't been drinking, well, mostly.  I had that one on Tuesday). 

And next week is road trip to Utah for Snow Patrol and catching up with friends. And May and summer....so far the line up is entertaining and promising.

So if you have an adventure in mind, don't keep it to yourself.  If we inspire you to have an adventure of your own, let us know!

Keep Calm and Adventure On!

And a song for the period... a little GRAY OR BLUE.

xo

Remembering

Today is covered in grey.  Just like that day I sat numb, frozen with the emptiness in my heart, on the steps of Auschwitz.  For once, no tears came.  Just that horrible aching emptiness.

But today it is a bit softer and tears have sat in my eyes most of the morning, mirroring the outside world, which is being steadily covered in rain.  And rain is a blessing, according to the Talmud, which is given only by god.  Rain cleanses and nourishes. 

Rain makes me smile, even through my tears.  As one of my favourite professors always told me, "Rain means god is happy."

Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day.  It is a subject that is never far from my mind because it made a home in my heart when I was much younger.  My shelves have always been lined with books on the subject (currently I am reading "The Book Thief"); I studied it through history and religion courses and is the reason I hold a degree which includes those two areas; I traveled to Poland, Amsterdam, and Israel in '98 for the 50th anniversary of Israel's independence. 

In '98 Holocaust Remembrance Day was spent in a Kibbutz in Israel with some of the most influential people in my life (including Professor Berger, my mother, and Frances).  I was just 18.  "Schindler's List" was playing on the telly.  Frances read my palm and effectively opened my eyes (as she so often does) to the possibilities of me.  And although "Schindler's List" is one of my favourite movies, seen tens of times prior, I haven't been able to watch it since that night.

Today, please, take a moment to remember to what ignorance, fear, and denying of human rights lead.  Ask yourself, what is beautiful in this world to you? What keeps your heart beating and the air from freezing in your lungs?

 Is it your family; love; freedom to choose your path? 

These things are the same for every man, woman, and child, whether they are republican, democrat, green, libertarian, gay, straight, transgender, asexual, bisexual, no matter their color, no matter their education level, no matter their religion. 

And no matter what combination of the above you happen to be, or I happen to be, we are all human. And that is beautiful. 

Love. 

Beauty

This came my way today. Which I thought very fitting, because for the past couple of weeks the theme of beauty has been on my mind.

Of course, this means superficial beauty isn't everything. And it is certainly true.
But perhaps whole beauty IS everything.

And as I am on my own journey to find my beauty I am remembering, relearning, refocusing, on the fact that when I work on my inner beauty I want to work on my outer beauty, and when I work on my outer beauty I want to work on my inner beauty. 

There are many ways to show our inner beauty: how we treat those around us (more powerful, less powerful), in our actions (respect for all things), in our thoughts (about others, about self).

We grow in beauty as we open our minds to let in the light.  We grow in beauty as we open our hearts to acceptance, to understanding, to forgiveness. 

There is MUCH in this world (and not of this world) to accept, to understand, and to forgive.

We learn to accept differences and that we can only lead by example.  Our examples burn brightly for others.  The hope is it shines brightly with the light of hope and love, rather than the destructive flames of hatred, fear, and ignorance. 

We learn to understand that we all operate out of fear at times.  Fear of being unloved, fear of the unknown, fear of failure.  And Sometimes operating out of love, wading through others' fear, seems to be futile, but you are still setting an example.

We learn to forgive.  Forgive mistakes, forgive intentions, forgive thoughtlessness, forgive impatience, forgive misunderstandings.

And the more we practice beauty, the more we see beauty, the more beauty blossoms around us. 

xo

First Steps

You may have noticed that I have a slight problem with will power and intrinsic motivation. I have plenty of grand ideas and scattered plans and desires, but sometimes, after staring at something in the eye, studying it, and designing a plan of attack I think, "Holy feck. that's a lot of work." Then I shrug my shoulders, which easily sloughs off most of the build up, turn around, and pretend I didn't really want it in the first place.

So it comes as quite a surprise when I hear from people how goal driven I am and how do I keep my motivation, etc. In fact, I get a fantastical look of incredulity upon my face (just like right now), look around, and then end with some awkward sort of a snort of laughter.

I have started so many projects with no end.

Like my stories; I'm a writer, don't you know? The problem is, to be a writer you only have to have a burning desire to write, to pour your life force onto a page by any means necessary. It doesn't have to make sense, or be publishable, or even good. It just means your hands ache, your brain screams silently, there is an occasional cold sweat, and the desire to drink heavily if you Don't Write.

Now, in recent years, admittedly, I have gotten a bit better. But I allow myself so many distractions; and I think it is human nature, this self-sabotage (a phrase stolen from the lovely, Jessie, who recently wrote that to me and I like it very much).

Losing weight? Well, maybe I don't really need to get out of bed this morning to jog; can't lose weight if I'm exhausted. Or, why shouldn't I have that delicious beer while spending time socializing, isn't that a special occasion (every night of the bloody week)?

Writing? Well, I'm not quite sure what to write, perhaps if I play word with friends or check Facebook for the 75th time in the last 10 minutes inspiration will strike.

Feel my eye roll. FEEL IT! These are ridiculous statements which come from fear.

Fear of failure. Self-sabotage operates out of this deep, dark, and well camouflaged fear in efforts to protect us.

See, if I'm too tired to work out (which equals burning calories) and I'm just too damn popular and enjoying my hedonistic lifestyle (which equals lots and lots of additional calories) then I can't possibly be expected to lose weight. It isn't my fault. I can't succeed, so I better not really fail. I'll just stop trying.

Yes, this would be a good time for a little facepalm action. BUT, I am more and more (and, trust me, this is a daily, minutely actually, process) realizing that if I can self-sabotage then I can also self-support.

So, a few decisions like REALLY watching what I eat/drink which means I won't feel QUITE as though I have to kill myself during a workout. What a lovely trade off actually! Smaller portions of deliciousness (equals fewer calories) and working out just as much as I feel like in my brand new work out clothes (see, double reward, equals more calories burned).

I ALSO have to have reminders. I'm a kinetic learner, which means I have to have my hands on it. But because I like words so much I learn very well through reading and writing. WRITING!

So I found this lovely site: All Women Stalk (through Pinterest, of course). Where I can look up all sorts of useful (and sometimes ridiculous) information.  COPY down pertinent points/reminders and then take them home and WRITE them down, very prettily, with colored sharpies, into one of my many notebooks. This helps burn the ideas (like, always carry water, don't drink soda, NO Fast food) in my brain.

The next reminder has to be constant.  In my face, or I'll "forget", especially when confronted with deliciousness.  SO I have sharpied (good lord, what would I do without sharpies?) my goal onto my wrist.  BIG BLACK numbers staring at me every time I take a bite or a sip of something.  I know, it sounds slightly masochistic, but it has prevented some major over eating moments lately.  And I'm quite pleased with this new little badge of self-support.

Now, when it comes to writing, that's a bit more difficult.  I want very much to write silly little meaningful stories, but right now (well, for a few years actually) my characters have just been sitting in the corner staring at me.  A few new ones have even appeared and sit, tapping their fingers on their folded arms, smiling smugly at me.  I mostly want to punch them in the face when they get that way. But I suppose it's my own fault for being TOO AFRAID to put them onto paper anymore than I have. 

So, again, let's start small.  First, put down the distractions, AKA le mobile. Last night I removed Words with Friends and Facebook from my phone.  I know.  Immediately after doing so, I had a slight anxious feeling.  But I've done it before (and I don't have a computer or Internet or cable at my house BECAUSE of my addictions), so I'll just do it again.

THEN just get the pen moving. Let's write our typical drivel (here, in my journals, scraps of paper). Stupid girly things, like how to focus on losing weight.

Awkward, right?

But you'd be surprised how quickly the pen wants to remove surface layers to try to find what's beneath.

And that is all motivation is about, isn't it? Making the decision to take one step. Take One Step. ONE STEP.  And another one step. And before you know it, you'll turn around and realize you're squinting to see the starting point.

What tips/tricks do you have for finding motivation?

Collecting Thoughts

time for another random list of things running through my brain. it will be most uninteresting you will probably just need to move on right now.

1. i'm back to feeling like i need to fill every second of my free time with something other than being with myself.

2. i really need some time to myself, there are things to do.

3. stop at the pet store! Piro needs new bedding and food.

4. put things away! why am i stacking things on top of things? oh, because i'm never home for more than five seconds.

5. sort vinyl! 4 categories: keep cover, keep vinyl, experiment, craft.

6. finish "the book thief".

7. stop hiding and WRITE.

8. need to figure out outfit for saturday's bolo ball (halfway there! cowboy boots ordered!)

9. don't forget new workout clothes in trunk need to be washed tonight before jogging tomorrow.

10. make pile for clothing exchange (INCLUDE jewelry).

11. craft closet is out of bloody control again; sort!

12. send thank you cards.

13. print SD pictures/make disc copies

14. plan a movie day soon. solo? maybe.

15. stop letting people treat me as if i'm not awesome.

16. seriously, get stuff in order and then sit and write.

well, that should be enough to be getting on with this week. *print*

Can't Stop

Two bands to whom I cannot stop listening.

Let's Not Sugar Coat This

Let's just be perfectly honest about how much mind fucks suck. 

Now you may currently be thinking of THIS Mind Fuck.  Which is delicious, but also bad news.

I'm talking about, instead, that utterly ridiculous and unexpected conversation which starts out so pleasantly that you don't even realize when the insults begin.  In fact, it starts with compliments so you're willing to hear the rest of it and about an hour or two later you're left wide-eyed, possibly even in tears, and wondering why you even bother people with your presence, conversation, or even leave the house.

And then it just builds.  Because no matter how hard you work at shutting up, forcing down, putting up with, drowning out, bribing, brain washing, and pleading with insecurities, at the smallest, inconsequential validation of any one of them they all suddenly get very loud.  And it is no small feat to quiet them again.

Like with all of us, my insecurities are very much a part of me.  They are true parts of me; parts I don't necessarily want to get rid of, but which should be kept in check.  And part of my insecurity is that I worry I Don't keep them in check.

So being calmly and, oh so, logically told how ridiculous I am (too flirtatious, too loud, forceful, undesirable, and generally clueless about public opinion of me) left me so stunned that I verbally conceded.  Literally, with a smile on my face, "I can't take any more of this. Will you stop if I say you won?"

And I've been stunned ever since. 
And, unfortunately, there have been many people having to deal with the weird after effects. 

You see, I know I'm occasionally loud, always flirtatious, ridiculous, blunt, and overly addicted to things I like, but I try not to take myself too seriously and feel like most of my obsessions are so joy based that my stalkerish side can be overlooked... so I hope, and usually believe, that tempers most everything.  But ...

But what if it doesn't?

And it is so absolutely ridiculous to let one thing, one person (especially one with whom I'm not even close enough to have as a FB friend), mess with me so much.

My weekend (except for me reacting to way too many things out of my mind fuck spot) and this week have gone to prove just how much I am loved and what an amazing spot I am in my life. 

I have amazing family and friends (family by choice), who put up with my tears and back and forth idiocy and speed skating through costco and lack of clothing, and everything else that comes with my ridiculous being.  I am healthy, financially dependent upon no one, I have plans for my future, and a desire to better myself and the world.

What in the bloody hell could I want more than all of that?  So, this is my announcement that my insecurities can take a flying leap and so can anyone who enjoys throwing them in my face.

Spring Break: Mini- Adventures II

Ready?
Tuesday was Sea World.  I have to admit, it has changed so much from when I was younger that I was kind of disappointed. But it was worth it, because Aurora didn't really remember much from the last time we went. And her face.  Oh, I could cry at her joy.

(please remember, I didn't waste my time taking pictures of many animals unless A's in the shot.. years of visiting these places and I always wished I had more people shots)

Guess who just made an big splash.... yep, Shamu!!

Priceless expressions. Always.

This is her silent, "Moooooom!".. little chin thrust.  But god is she beautiful. 

We spent ALL day at Sea World making sure to hit all the shows.

Wednesday was more intrepid explorers! So we got pedicures...

And went to visit Grandma Lea (yes, I am named after her). And she is somethinglike 98 years old! and she does yoga, and canasta, and bunco, and brunch, and likes short hair.

Isn't my sunburn getting lovely...

And then we went to the Maritime Museum, because we're Norges and love water.

It was VERY windy, and Aurora was a bit hesitant at first as we crossed from ship to boat on rocking walkways, etc.  "Mom, I'm scared."

"Aurora! We are Norwegians! Your Great-great grandfather, and many before him, was a fisherman who lived most of the year on the ocean.  We are BALMERS. We are FEARLESS!"

"Oh, Yeah.  Wait," death grip on handrail, "I AM fearful!"

"No, honey. We're Balmers.  We're fine."

A few minutes later she was running and jumping, "I am FEARLESS!" 

And after exploring all the ships (minus the Russian Sub, because we'd already done the American Sub) we hit Seaport Village and a Carousel!

Thursday we spent ALL day at the wild animal park.. I mean San Diego Zoo Safari Park (bloody 'ell).

Aurora found bat wings. And although faced with lady bug and butterfly wings she unequivically wanted the bat wings.  I am so proud.

And another carousel. WOOT! so much fun!

Friday, in spite of a chill in the air. We went to the beach!

Can everyone else remember the feel of the pure joy in a bounce like that?

And we enjoyed the sand EVERYWHERE, and walking wrapped in wet clothes and towels to a delicious Mexican restaurant just off the beach.

Then we headed home for more family time.. and lots of jumping off the wall.

And a few costume changes...

My favourite picture of Aurora.

And soccer....

Aurora, Sherry (as goalie), and Dale.

 

And then... it was time to head home.
"Mom, what if Dale and Sherry and EVERYONE could live with us?"

And the water works began again.
But we had another safe trip home and can't wait to go back.. Think Disneyland!!

How to Build a Home

Do you remember a little bit ago, when I was thinking? I know, sometimes I forget, too.

This is why writing is so important. 

A captured moment, even if that moment is confused and filled with hesitation.  Although it can be the opposite, as well, a statement, a fact, a demand, an ultimatum, so seemingly self assured.

Words build a nest for that bird of my heart.
And it is like twig after twig, some twine, even. How about a bit of fluff?

Think, write, erase, delete, scratch out, start over, try moving that one over there.

If that word were over there the nest might be more secure.  If you try this one.  No, not that.

delete.
that one scares even me.

Or maybe it just shows how scared I am and that might be worse.

How do I soften this?  How about this one?  Yes, that one seems warmer.  An invitation.

Let's start there. A demanding invitation.

I am, of an age, where I can see further along this path, sometimes, while searching for the right words, I even get an aerial view.

And from this vantage point there are a few options.  Some twisty, and round about, leading to the same place.  Some heading too far around I am certain it leads back to the beginning.  But mostly they appear to be well lit adventures. 

I like the ones best that lead me to my finished nest.

And, as ever, the Universe is helping me to discover that it isn't nearly so out of reach as I imagined years ago when making sketches.  Pages and pages of sketches of my nest.

A recent question: When will you buy a house?
A response filled with horror: Never! I don't want to own a house ever again.... if I ever do it will be a little cottage I'll build.

A recent look at the upcoming year: A job I like, a desire to write, to grow, a place to nestle.

A recent inspiration from an amazing and inspiring woman: Good Life Farm

A recent text: You could start a farm.

I don't want a farm, maybe someday a little garden at my own place.  A cottage.  The Nest.

Oh my.
Epiphany.
I can build a cottage.

My own.  Just as I want. Just as Aurora would want.  Small. Open. A loft, with a spiral staircase. So many shelves, for books. Salvaged wood and windows.   Lots of windows. Oh I love the light, pouring in as I scratch out nonsense in some ridiculous journal, with a cat curling around my ankles.

And I can. Because I'm a grown up who has discovered that all of my desires of a younger age of a place to write, designed just as I want, a place to myself, where people will only touch my things when I invite them over to play... they weren't so silly. They are actually exactly what I want.

And I'd like to move in in five years. Yes.  There. I've said it. Now to start planning.

And my ideas (well, not my sketches, yet, those need some revision) are going to this board on Pinterest if you care to follow. And, of course, you can see all my other dreams, too.

xo

Spring Break: Mini-Adventures

There are, of course, a trillion and 5 things to do in the lovely San Diego area.  Most of them are practically obligatory.  Some are superfluous, but lovely.

So although I imagined a lot of sitting in the sun & writing while I was planning my packing list, an email from Papa saying he had a TON of things he wanted us to do quickly began erasing those ideas. Which weren't very realistic when one is with an active six-year-old anyway.  I was momentarily holding on to lots of vacations when I was much much younger and alone. There was a lot of napping, reading, movie watching (yes, Grandma and Papa were shocked that summer I watched "Newsies" six times in a row.. but I had just discovered Christian Bale, can you blame me?).

But no rest for the wicked... or something like that.  

We arrived in SD Friday night, in tact and only a couple of hours later than I had hoped thanks to afternoon traffic in the city.  And Saturday, Papa had us on the run.  We had perfect weather and we did the world's greatest zoo.  Just not all of it.  Only the outer edges, about four hours.

Papa Don, Kitteh Aurora, and KITTEH!

Sunday was family day! So we invaded Dale's place and got to spend time with the girls!!

This makes me laugh until I cry.  This is Rachel, Dale, A, Alexis, and Sherry.

There was a horrible storm right at this moment and A had just pointed Stage Left and everyone looked while she investigated the storm out the other windows.  Split second, but I caught it!

Monday, A & I were on our own...

We had exploring to do! I have only driven alone a couple of times in San Diego - both times about 10 years ago - but armed with, yes, my memories of YEARS of driving around La Mesa, Grossmont, and even Balboa Park, I figured I couldn't get too lost. I also had my phone to double check exits before going anywhere. And really all I cared about if I was on the interstate was if I was east or west of College Ave.

I searched on my phone for a nearby used bookstore, got directions, and off we went. Unfortunately, with it being a Monday it was closed. BUT it landed us in La Mesa Village. And there were all sorts of treats! Like boutiques and antique stores and eateries and we got lots of goodies (edible and not). And on our way back home we found a nail salon. Because that's what ladies should do with some free time, money to blow, and nail repair needed.

Yes, we DO know how to spoil ourselves and opted for all the little extras.

We also explored Balboa Park!

Museums, botanical gardens, lots of walking....

 

And we were treated to violinists.. we stayed listening to a woman for about 20 minutes in between museums.  She played Eleanor Rigby, Fiddler on the Roof, and other greats.  And it was so sunny and delicious.

Phew... only through Monday! Treat yourself to a pause.. we'll pick back up soon!

xo

Based on Actual Events

Headed, in my delightfully tall open-toed black and white vinyl heels, with Debi to a meeting in the ivory tower.  As we approach the building we intersect with a gentleman of the - what can only be described in those cliched terms - tall, dark, and handsome persuasion; but so he's not completely a mannequin, let me add, that he struck me as someone headed into speak with the environmental studies group, with his beard, drab khakis jeans, and sweatshirt.

My interested piqued as he headed up the stairs (not where the environmental group is located, at all).  And Debi stated, "I'm assuming we'll be taking the elevator."
Oh curse you beautiful shoes! How am I to introduce myself to this person taking the stairs if I can't take the bloody stairs?

We enter the elevator and Debi turned to me immediately so we could both remark wide-eyed about this person we don't know and who he could be and where was he going.

We hit the fourth floor and there he is, talking to HR.  And I'm lingering. Obviously.  Horribly obviously.  With some staring just to check to see if he's as attractive as I imagined at first glance, plus we have a meeting with HR, so I think maybe this seems like a legitimate excuse, even though he's not to know it.

And I linger... and he looks at me. And I freeze.  Of course, which makes for more staring, and then slowly backing into the room where my meeting is being held.

And the woman from HR enters shortly and I explode, "WHO WAS THAT?!"

And she says his name. And I realize I know him. Well, of him.  He was a student. A bit a go.  Apparently he's all grown up now.

"Why is he here? Where is he? What's he doing?"
"Well, he's doing field research, so he isn't really here."

Well, that explains the impression I received, "But what's he doing?"

"Squirrel research."

Fucking squirrels.

What further proof is needed of their evil conspiracy against me?

Spring Break: Home

Maybe it is counterintuitive, but although I have made a life in Idaho, I haven't had a home here for a long time.  You know, it's that one place that feels like it holds peace and joy and memories.  I really like where I live and am always happy to have a place of my own, but an actual physical location that holds my heart?  No, that just travels around with the people I love now.

But in San Diego (imagine wistful window gazing, longing sighs of remembered contentment) there is a space that holds some of the happiest memories in my life and lots of love and comfort.  My grandparents' house.  Everything from the smell to the way the window lets in the light traffic to lull me to sleep.  It is home.  And I ache at times to just BE there.

I hadn't been back since Grandma's funeral, and for those of you who know me or have read for any length of time, you'll know that my Grandma Ellie is one of the most important people in my life.  I learned a LOT from her, good and not so good.  Things that have helped shape my life and continue to be a guide for me.  Our loss of her really prompted me to evaluate how I was living my life.  I made a ton of changes soon after.

And, yes, it was a bit hard to walk into the house and know that I wouldn't hear her voice.  And it still makes me cry.  But I took a good 15 minutes to sob uncontrollably, much to Aurora's dismay, and then was able to deal with the absence of her physical presence.

Aurora, as ever, was there with her words.  And as I lie curled in the fetal position, in my old bedroom, sobbing, she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Mom, you know what Grandma would say, don't you?"  And I nodded, "Yes, honey, she'd tell me I'm her girl."  She nodded back and left me to pull myself back together.

And, so, it is no surprise to any of us, that Papa was a bit hesitant to make mention of his lady friend (Leigh, of course).

Just so you know, I have made great strides in emotionally holding myself together on all sorts of occasions (okay, not so much movies or books, but in real life), but it's still funny to see people walk around on eggshells at times in case of eruption.  Like a couple of nights in when Papa turned to Aurora, "I have a friend who'd like to meet you." No eye contact with me and he made sure we were in a public place.  It makes me giggle, but I do appreciate how fearful he must have been.  I mean, I AM Grandma's girl, in lots and lots of way.. sometimes even the crazy ones.

It was so delightful, and surreal, to see Aurora, a mini-me, roving about the place.  Making herself at home.  Playing with Uncle Dale.. and all the things that made me giggle make her giggle, like Dale's infamous Donald Duck impression or pectoral flexing. She even snuggled with Aunt Sherry! And A is not much of a snuggler.

And I've always known, from a very young age, that I have an absolutely amazing family into which I am a piece that fits perfectly.

I also, not that I ever denied it very much, admit entirely to having developed an Oedipus complex thanks to the men in my family and all those wonderful traits I admire so much! 

Like maps! I have no doubt watching the men in our family pour over maps discussing best routes or shortcuts has instilled in me that a man who doesn't get his directions first (or stop for directions, which I have never seen a man in my family hesitate to do) simply won't do.  Or sit and talk for hours with silly accents, and remembered movie lines, and plucking at the guitar making lascivious jokes. 

HWMNBN (the only astute observation he made in his entire life) after meeting the men of my family, turned to me in exasperation and said, "NO WONDER you'll never be happy with a man! He'd have to live up to THIS!"

I concur wholeheartedly. And won't apologize for the standards of awesomeness we inspire.  How's that for a little familial hubris?

Spring Break: On the Road

We did it! We finally KEPT our plans to return to the sparkling city of San Diego.  We, Aurora and I, became intrepid explorers of the road.  Well, not too much.  The drive down is so long that there aren't a ton of extraneous stops... we saved most of our exploring for southern Cali.

As I packed far more clothes than we needed (and, come to find out, far too little makeup) I was glad the airline tickets were too expensive.  Although it would have given us two more days or so in SD, it would have been a nightmare getting our items checked and definitely put a serious halt on my daily SD shopping habit.

Aurora, having never taken a long road trip (and certainly not one with a very prepared mommy), was amazed to crawl into the back of the cavalier to find pillows, blankets, and buckets of toys, markers, paper, stickers, snack lunchbox for the having, books, etc.

She was a champ the WHOLE trip!  Which is good because I'm not a very patient woman and driving 18 or so hours in the wind set me slightly more on edge than normal, even though I love driving.

Our first stop was Jordan Valley, Ore. And I knew I was in trouble for TWO reasons.

One, we had been driving down the road with her doing the above. 

"Aurora! It looks like you've been kidnapped! We're going to get pulled over!!"

Two, the restroom had a condom dispenser with tricky advertising which made it look like something super tasty and fun. "Mom, can I get one of those?"

"No, Aurora, those are for adults."

"For what?"

And this is another moment where my desire to always be honest with my daughter cringes slightly...

"For sex, honey. They're condoms for Adults who want to have sex."

"Well, mom, don't YOU want to have sex?"

"eep," clears throat, "um, yes, Aurora, sometimes I do want to have sex."

"Well, then, you should probably get one of those."

"Aurora, I am sorry, but just because you've been duped by brightly colored stickers does NOT mean that I am going to purchase condoms out of a gas station restroom!"

She wisely ended the discussion.

I am sure she'll bring it up loudly in someplace very public and embarrassing, like in front of the College President or the day we're interviewd on national news.

I made sure to make the REST of the road trip super awkward for anyone in our paths, because, in usual sunny weather road trip manner, I wore my bikini. Don't want to waste the scrumptious rays inside the toasty car.  I also wore a very short and comfortable jersey skirt, which did absolutely NOTHING (or maybe everything) in the ALWAYS windy stops for gas, potty breaks, food, etc.  So LOTS of lucky people were exposed to lots of flesh. 

Just doing my bit to keep life unexpected and exciting.

A and I at Mono Lake

(did you know I can't get Mono? I like to think it's because of my affinity for this little stop at Lee Vining)

That's all we have time for on this addition of Spring Break..
Lots more in the following days!

xo